arkalilojo

Gift

2012-01-30T12:22:00.001-07:00

This last weekend we had the chance to go with some friends to the Saints Unified Voices choir directed by Gladys Knight. We went with some Baptist friends who are particularly missionary minded in their approach to us, so I thought it would be fair to do a bit back to them. ;) I knew it would be a performance with missionary elements in it, but I was a bit surprised by how much information/missionary type things were covered in a longish talk by one of Gladys' friends. There were about a hundred things that we would never bring up in conversation probably for the next couple of years in our regular conversations with our friends. I wonder how they took it.
I mean, you can't believe something just because someone tells you, or stop believing something just because someone tells you it isn't true. Somehow you have to feel the truth of things, study it out, pray, receive and answer from God, and then you are sure. Lor said that most of the things that were talked about were included in what used to be the first and second discussions that the full time missionaries would discuss when visiting someone. I am not sure if it happens the same way with missionaries now, I think they are supposed to go by the direction of the Spirit in their conversations and not necessarily by rehearsed lessons.

I was particularly impressed by the love and human connection Sister Knight was able to make with my heart and with probably every soul there. Somehow, even though she performs and gives this concert over and over, she is still genuine, still reaches soul to soul, still has the fervency of testimony and truth and energy in her self to do it. I came away feeling like she and I would be best of friends, perhaps we were already... All because of the incredible love she has and her desire to share herself, her gifts, her testimony with others.

I wished my brother had been there, he would have loved the keyboarding. I wished everyone had been there to enjoy her gift.

Theme Song

2012-01-26T10:36:00.001-07:00

So you were all wondering what song I was singing as I stepped off the plane and knew we were safely back to our children.

It was, "O God our Help in Ages Past"

Here is a little insight to why I made note of the songs in my head. I can't share with you the smell of the oil at Pearl Harbor, the leis at the airport, the dryness of the sand on Oahu, the moisture smells and tropicalness of Kauai. But I wanted to make the record as full as possible. Just before we left Lor showed me this music video . It is an African rendition by the Piano Guys of a song by Coldplay called Paradise. Of course we watched the original with lyrics right afterwards, and I had a sinking feeling that if we watched it again I would have it memorized and it would become the theme song entirely for our trip, so I held back. Coldplay has mastered the ability to make a song that sticks in your head in a pleasant kind of way, whether or not the lyrics are entirely true or real....though they do have a lot of human experience and emotion in them.

It set me thinking about what music is in my head, so as part of the letters and pictures from our trip, I decided to write down which songs were in my head at certain moments. It was kind of a scientific experiment. It made me happy to sing and think and love during those moments. I guess you know which song I will be addicted to for the next couple of days though.

video Kayaking

2012-01-24T20:16:00.001-07:00

video Just after snorkeling

2012-01-24T19:56:00.000-07:00

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video Sunday after church

2012-01-24T19:53:00.003-07:00

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> We made stew on the cookstove of carrots, sweet potatoes, tabasco spam and tomatoes. We drank tang and watched the ocean.
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video Campsite on Sunday afternoon

2012-01-24T19:53:00.001-07:00

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> Grandpa and Uncle Kenneth would love this spot, a great place for shore fishing. A little rough for just letting little children play in the ocean alone, but great sand, facilities, and quiet.
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Hawaii

2012-01-24T18:40:00.000-07:00

... unplugged....well almost

The truth is we plugged in our cell phone at every opportunity we had, and I wrote the children almost every day sending pictures and some words about what we were up to. My brain right now is still super tired from a red-eye flight we caught after our flight was cancelled. How to tell the story of our vacation....how fantasy and reality met.

This vacation gave me the most fantasy pleasure of anything we have planned or gone on. I was looking forward to serene and quiet beaches with just Lor and I. Reality was that there were other people and we had our taste of humanity along with beautiful beaches, quite moments, and incredible nights of stars. I am glad for what I learned on the trip. If I hadn't made the choices to camp, I would have always have been yearning for the unattainable ideal and wouldn't understand the balance of life. As it is I am grateful that we did get to walk under a full sky of stars and see the milky way, camp with our tent door 20-100 feet from the ocean, watch the silhouette of palm trees and pines against the night sky, hear the waves, and be alone with my darling. I would take the rain again, the moisture and mold, the sand, the roosters, and the long walks to the potty in the night all for those blissful things. The noisy talkers and wild-men and voyeurists, I could do without, but that is part of reality as well.

Here are the letters we sent home, with a little more added, as at first it was just pictures with a few words.

When I awoke to catch our plane, I had the song "Thy will oh Lord be done" in my head, I had a bit of apprehension about leaving our children and the possibility that we might not come back because of some tragedy. The flight was fine and we were able to catch an early flight to Kauai.

Waking up after a night of heavy rain, that turned out to be a blessing because our campground had a reputation for being a party site (we were warned by a fellow camper that we pitched in the wrong spot with about three minutes of sunlight remaining in the day) and had a squirrely feeling too it when we first arrived to set up our tent. The morning was completely different and the squirrely feeling was gone, but you can tell we slept in our clothes just in case we had to leave quickly.

We packed up early and the schedule for the next three days changed places a bit. The island was a bit smaller than I had guessed so we went back and forth along the coast quite a few times. These are some taro fields, doubling as protected wetlands.

We took a shorter hike than I had planned along the NaPali coast. I was hoping to go the four miles to the waterfall and back, but it was hot and humid and a challenging trail and I was feeling too pregnant to go more than about 3/4 a mile before turning around. Still it was beautiful beyond imagining, unless you have seen a certain video over and over and know exactly what I am talking about... The pictures we have just don't do it justice. It was nice to rest and watch the whales breeching and spouting in the ocean. I had the song, "Let me walk through paradise with you" in my head as we hiked. After our hike we sat on the lovely shore and ate crackers and sardines and oranges (note we were camping without refrigeration or fuel, as the local stores didn't have the fuel for our backpacking stove)

We went to our next campsite, set up tent, I took a shower and we changed into our bathing suits. We were so hot and more clothed than anyone we met, and the weather of course was tropical. Here we are sitting in our tent and the view from it. This was my favorite beach, and ideal for children. Anini beach on Kauai.

We went swimming, yes swimming in the ocean, it was lovely water, then Lor wanted to just lay in the water and rest for a while so we did that while the gentle waves washed around us. I wish I had a picture of that, he was really enjoying himself. I lay down beside him after a while and we just talked and enjoyed the calmness. Then we made a sand temple, complete with the angel, for our son, because he asked us to before we left.

It was a perfect day, and we managed not to get sunburned the whole trip, despite being outside almost all of the time. In the evening we had to go visit the lighthouse for our daughter, because she likes them so well, but it was closed for the day so we just stayed at the overlook. I had the song, "Eden was just like this." in my head.

The next morning we awoke and walked along the beach.

This was another perfect day...almost

We went kayaking and snorkeling.

We didn't have an underwater camera, but I'll tell you about my favorite fish I saw.

Lor really enjoyed snorkeling and we could have kept at it a couple of hours, but the tour only was for three, including the kayaking time.

I should let you know that we were planning on using a double kayak so Loren could do all the work and I wouldn't strain my hernia more or hurt the baby, but when we were given the option of single kayaks, my crazy independent adventurer self took over my brain. Everything worked out ok, but Loren did tow me back upriver to the Kayak Kauai shop. The bay is Hannalei bay, do you remember the song puff the magic dragon? It was from a mountain beside this bay that someone thought looked like a dragon. The eye is a diamond shape and it looks kind of like a crocodile head resting on the water. Can you see it? We are standing by its nose. Don't be taken in by it's welcome grin.

Our last campsite on Kauai was overcrowded, and...there is a lot of variety in what cold outdoor showers mean.

We stayed in our swimsuits while we set up the tent, and then Lor did some wave jumping/body surfing. It was fun to watch him, but I was again cautious about it because of the the baby so I didn't go in there. We walked along the beach trying to find a calm spot to swim in, but that didn't quite happen. By the end of the day I was desperate for a shower because the river water was stinky. Someone walked in on me while I was showering in the outdoor fenced in shower even with Lor guarding one of the doors, I didn't feel safe or clean for a long time after that, and slept in my clothes that night. We went out to eat for the first time, and ate a full salad and a 16 inch pizza between us from a local bakery. It was so humid that when the temperature dropped, everything was wet, inside and out of the tent. Our luggage weighed two pounds more than when we arrived, and I attributed it to the moisture on the tent. The good thing about that site is that the sound of the waves drowned out the roosters. Here is a direct quote from Lor to give you an idea what I mean, "Kauai has a population of 500,000, 100,000 people and 400,000 roosters."

Friday we packed up camp on Kauai. Everything was wet and moldy smelling. Daddy gave me a flower lie, isn't he sweet, to help with the smells. It took most of the day to travel to our new campsite at Maelakahana State park just north of Laie. We set up our tent and hung everything up to dry, which it did in the constant breeze. I had the song, "If we hold on together." from Land Before Time in my head. Then we showered and went to dinner with Lance and Kristi, stopping to pick up desert at a pie shop Kristi's friend had recommended. Daddy chose pumpkin cream pie, I chose carrot cake, uncle Lance and Aunt Kristi both chose cakes that had pineapple in them. After dinner we went to their hotel to eat them, but I saved mine for breakfast because I was too full. Our campsite here is very nice and family friendly. I chose a site far away from the bathrooms and gate because I thought that it would be quiet and I was hoping that the second bathroom construction would be done and we would have a nice new bathroom to use, but it isn't, but that is ok. When I had to go potty in the middle of the night I walked up to the trees about 20 ft behind our tent and squatted. I was so proud of myself for doing what boys would do and not making a mess that it took me a while to fall back asleep. Daddy was snoring gently and I was glad I didn't have to wake him up. It started raining softly after that, but it made me glad because there are a lot of dry pine needles around and some people smoke. Baby brother says hi. Today we will shower, go to the temple, and visit the Polynesian Cultural Center. We love you and look forward to you telling us how you are doing and what you are doing. Hugs and kisses from Mommy and Daddy.

Dear Children,
We had the most beautiful morning going to the temple. My heart felt like it would burst with gratitude and happiness. I had the song, "Come Ye Children Of The Lord" in my head. I felt that though there is so much inequality in the world, some day things will be made right when Jesus comes again. We discovered that the Hawaii temple has a special tribute to maternity on it's exterior decoration, so that was a sweet discovery with multiple layers of meaning for me. After, we were all so hungry because we really hadn't had enough breakfast and it was lunch time. I had a mommy meltdown of nuclear proportions. I hope it was because I was so tired and hungry because I was so out of control of my emotions it was frightening. It was like what happens when you are laughing too hard and then start crying, but to the fifth power. After some time Loren and I went to the Polynesian Cultural Center and I just clung to his hand and tried not to talk to try to keep from crying again. It was hard not to cry because we had a personal tour guide for just Lor and I who was so kind and knowledgable. Questions that had answers about you or my first visit here with my grandmother were especially challenging. Our tickets gave us special treatment, close seats and first food at the luau, second row seats for the night performance, and intermission desserts. I felt kind of strange about that, it wasn't comfortable for me to be treated better than other people around us. The PCC is a place where you can spend at least two days, and we found out after that tickets can be used again for a second day. I guess we will plan better next time when we bring you.

Love, mommy and daddy

Sunday was a perfect and calm day again. I felt like I was back to my normal logical self and could enjoy time together again.

We awoke, walked the quarter mile to pick up our car, showered, and went to church. A dove flew into the chapel and couldn't find the way out. The windows were slatted glass, like levered clear blinds, with no screens. I guess that is common here. I enjoy he singing in the women's meeting, but I was hoping for a more Polynesian sound in Sacrament meeting.

After church we packed camp, said goodbye to our tent, cooked lunch and drove to Honolulu.
We stayed in Hawaii Prince hotel overlooking the Marina Sunday night.
We ate salsa, chips and peanut butter apples while we watched the sun set and the boats come in.

Warm water... From the time we checked into our hotel to the next morning I had two baths and two showers. It was so nice to scrub and soak off a week of camping. After all you can only get so clean in cold showers, and when you are sleeping on sand which does get everywhere , even if you are careful. We called it our luxury exfoliation treatment. It was also nice to sleep without the roosters, who think it is morning anywhere from 1-5am and keep going with their territorialness. This last campsite was better than the rest, there were only three roosters the first night who started up their competition, and we just about cheered the next morning when we saw some campers carrying a limp rooster back to their camp. Just the hum of the refrigerator and the buzz of the fan. Lor said he missed the roosters, but I think he was joking.

Well darling children, I am so sorry that we will not be there when you awake in the morning. My heart is so longing to hug you and see your smiling faces, but hopefully our travels will work out and we will soon be on the way home.

This morning we awoke early to go to the Pearl Harbor Memorial. We had enough time for the audio tour, and I am grateful for the extra time that made the depth of the experience. My thoughts from the experience might not be all the way right yet, but I had several thoughts to share with you. First that international sanctions probably don't work, they just make citizens of a country feel desperate and deprived. Second that our ideas of what is morally correct on an international scale depends on what we have moved beyond in our own behavior. For example, when we walked into the museum we saw a map of the world before world war 2 with the countries who had "colonized" certain areas, and therefore had "ownership" of natural resources for that country, yet when Japan was trying to do something similar, we called it war and made a judgement that it wasn't right. If you take a fair perspective, we waged war to create our own USA of so many natural resources. Third, that a child's perspective is the strongest, and truest and most real judgement of the moment. Life and family are the most important thing to protect in this world.
Technology matters, life matters, I am deeply sorrowful that our country used the technology we developed in the atomic bomb to destroy families and so many lives, when the Japanese used their advanced technology to precisely attack a military target. The rest of our day we have spent running around in airports. As our flight was cancelled, we are now in Maui and the flight is just boarding.

Love you,

Mommy

My Song-repost

2012-01-05T15:21:00.001-07:00

My apologies to Mary who posted a comment on this blog post. I accidentally deleted it and can't figure out how to restore it or contact her in return, so I am reposting.

I just have to post this speech so I can remember it. It is almost the perfect description of how I think of my life. I hope I can truly sing my song. I wonder if anyone has ever written a symphony about motherhood or a woman's life? Musically it is easy to recognize parts of actual symphonies that represent falling in love, or a couple arguing, springtime, winter, or anguish, or political unrest, but motherhood.....I wonder....
A Message to My Granddaughters: Becoming "Great Women" BY ELDER JAMES E. FAUST Of the Quorum of the Twelve

This is an edited version of a BYU devotional address given 12 February 1985.

I direct these remarks primarily to my granddaughters, although others might find them of interest, too.

On Brittany's last birthday, I told her mother with considerable grandfatherly pride that I thought I detected some seeds of promise developing in Brittany. Of course I feel the same way about Nicole, Melissa, Kelly Ann, Katy, Sarah, Ashley, little Elise, and our other granddaughters.

I do not want to tell you girls what you must be. That is for each of you to decide. You have your agency. Each of you will have to work very hard to learn all you can and develop your skills. It will not be easy to achieve anything really worthwhile. I only tell you what I think will help bring you identity, a sense of value, and happiness as a person. I also challenge you to reach your potential, to become a person of great worth, to become a great woman.

Now, you need to know that to me great does not necessarily mean your becoming a great doctor, lawyer, or business executive. You may, of course, become any of these if you so desire, and if you work hard enough, and I would be proud of such an achievement. However, to me, greatness is much, much more. I hope that each of you girls will become an individual of significant worth and a person of virtue so that your contributions are maintained in both human and eternal terms.

Elder Boyd K. Packer tells me that among the species of birds in which both male and female sing, the different sexes sing a different melody. Yet it is pleasant to hear them singing at the same time, for they harmonize beautifully together!

As women, you are wonderful and special. You have a great mission, a great errand, and a great calling. Indeed, God devised his work for both men and women: "All those who receive my gospel are sons and daughters in my kingdom." (D&C 25:1.) Being born as women brings to you many endowments that are not common to men and therefore make you unique.

President Spencer W. Kimball, in speaking of the roles of men and women, added some personal perspective: "Our roles and assignments differ. These are eternal differences—with women being given many tremendous responsibilities of motherhood and sisterhood and men being given the tremendous responsibilities of fatherhood and the priesthood—but the man is not without the woman nor the woman without the man in the Lord. …

"Remember, in the world before we came here, faithful women were given certain assignments while faithful men were foreordained to certain priesthood tasks. While we do not now remember the particulars, this does not alter the glorious reality of what we once agreed to. You are accountable for those things which long ago were expected of you just as are those we sustain as prophets and apostles! …

"This leaves much to be done by way of parallel personal development—for both men and women." (Ensign, Nov. 1979, p. 102.)

This statement suggests that before we were born we made certain commitments, female and male, and that we agreed to come to this earth with great, rich, but separate gifts. We were called, male and female, to do great works, with separate approaches and separate assignments, and accordingly were given different songs to sing.

You say, Where do I begin? Rather than beginning with a wish list of all the things you want in life, the real question may be what you are not willing to do without. You should select two or three of life's experiences that you are absolutely sure you want to have; these important things you should not leave to chance. Then you should think about what you can contribute to society by way of service to the Church, home, and community. You also need to think of what life will demand from you. Everything has its price. Much is expected of us.

It is unfortunate that it is taking so long to bring full economic justice to women. The feminization of poverty is both real and tragic. That is why you should work very hard to prepare for your future by gaining some marketable skills.

The struggle to improve the place of women in society has been a noble cause, and I sincerely hope the day will come when women with equal skills will be fully equal with men in the marketplace. However, this is an issue of equality, not sameness; it does not mean that women should be the same as men or try to do things the way men do them. Although some jobs that are traditionally masculine are now being done by women, it is possible for them to be done in a feminine way and yet be done equally as well—or even better.

Over a hundred years ago, in 1872, Eliza R. Snow said that some women "are so radical in their extreme theories that they would set for her an antagonism to man, and make her adopt the more reprehensible phases of character which men present and which should be shunned or improved by them instead of being copied by women." (Women's Exponent, 15 July 1872, p. 29.) Becoming like men is not the answer; being who you are and living up to your potential and commitment is.

You cannot trust the many conflicting voices that clamor about what women should or should not do in today's society. Some of the loudest voices we hear are echoes of others who, rather than being unhappy with their role as women, seem actually out of harmony with themselves and out of tune with life in general.

Women today are being encouraged by some to have it all—generally, all simultaneously: money, travel, marriage, motherhood, and separate careers in the world. Sarah Davidson, in an article entitled "Having It All," comments about forging an identity, building a career, developing a craft, and having a family.

"I do not yet understand how a woman can successfully split herself between home and the market place. Fifteen years of feminist theory and action have taught us that sacrificing one for the other does not satisfy, but having both together simultaneously is so difficult that no one I know has found anything but the most quirky and incomplete solution." (Professional Esquire, June 1984, p. 54.)

Her article does not deal with the heartaches and frustrations of single parents or others thrust into very difficult circumstances due to divorce, death of spouse, or hardship. Rather, the article focuses on the issue of the woman who is intent on having it all, trying to simultaneously coordinate the roles of professional life, marriage, and motherhood.

Some will no doubt disagree with her conclusion, and there may be many exceptions, but she goes on to tell of three women who are partners in a New York law firm and observes that their personal lives are frustrated and unhappy. "The problem, of course, is that family happiness is less clearly definable and more often elusive than career success." (Ibid.) For some, the answer has been to find and marry a man who will assume the female roles. But such men are rare.

The same author says: "At some point along the way, a number of us woke up and found that we were wonderfully self-sufficient and successful and our lives were empty. There was no one to share it with, no living, growing ties to the future; something vital had been discarded and we scurried to recapture it." (Ibid.)

As Sarah Davidson approached forty, after years in a career, she and her husband were blessed with a baby. Of this experience she says: "This baby was the great missing link for me, the one I have longed for in my life. That, once realized, brought the hoped-for satisfaction. Nothing in my life prepared me for the happiness, the wholeness I felt when my son was born. I am embarrassed to tell you how many nights I would walk into his room and just stand at the crib, my heart brimming. The bond between a mother and child is so special, it is in the soul. …

"All my time is spent on three things: baby, work, and keeping the marriage going. I find I can handle two beautifully. When my husband is out of town or when I am between projects and not working, things go smoothly, but three pushes me to the edge. Someone is unhappy, something is always getting short-shrift." (Ibid.)

No doubt it would help if husbands would follow the counsel of the late Elder G. Homer Durham: "Man, as well as woman, has obligations to learn the difficult art of fatherhood in homemaking. This is not a task just for the woman." (In Women, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1979, p. 36.)

But, my dear granddaughters, you cannot do everything well at the same time. You cannot be a 100 percent wife, a 100 percent mother, a 100 percent church worker, a 100 percent career person, and a 100 percent public-service person at the same time. How can all of these roles be coordinated? Says Sarah Davidson: "The only answer I come up with is that you can have it sequentially. At one stage you may emphasize career, and at another marriage and nurturing young children, and at any point you will be aware of what is missing. If you are lucky, you will be able to fit everything in." (Ibid.)

Doing things sequentially—filling roles one at a time at different times—is not always possible, as we know, but it gives a woman the opportunity to do each thing well in its time and to fill a variety of roles in her life. A woman does not necessarily have to track a career like a man does. She may fit more than one career into the various seasons of life. She need not try to sing all of the verses of her song at the same time.

The Book of Ecclesiastes says: "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." (Eccl. 3:1.)

The various roles of women have not decreased a woman's responsibility. While these roles are challenging, the central roles of wife and mother remain in the soul and cry out to be satisfied. It is in the soul to want to love and be loved by a good man and to be able to respond to the God-given, deepest feelings of womanhood—those of being a mother and nurturer.

Now, I wish to note clearly that what I am saying is in the spirit of general counsel—that is, it applies generally. But there are exceptions in its application. Further, my heart and admiration go out to the large group of women who are single parents or who are required by circumstance to either provide or help provide for their families. Particularly is the responsibility heavy for single parents who courageously balance two careers simultaneously: that of supporting the family financially and that of parenting. Under the influence of the Holy Spirit, these often remarkable single parents are guided and blessed in impressive and touching ways as they live in harmony with the Lord and his inspiration to them. As with all of us, they come to recognize that without His peace and strength in their lives, they are not as happy and as successful as they might otherwise be.

Granddaughters, do not be deceived in your quest to find happiness and an identity of your own. Entreating voices may tell you that what you have experienced in your own homes—that which you have seen your mothers and grandmothers do—is old-fashioned, unchallenging, boring, and drudgery. It may be old-fashioned and perhaps routine; at times it is drudgery. But your mothers and grandmothers have sung a song that expresses the highest love and the noblest of womanly feelings. They have been nurturers and teachers.

I join Brigham Young in saying, "Daughter(s), use all your gifts to build up righteousness in the earth." (Susa Young Gates, The Life Story of Brigham Young, New York: The MacMillan Co., 1930, p. 307.) I hope you acquire all of the knowledge you can. Become as skillful as you can, but not exclusively in new careers at the expense of the primary ones, or you may find that you have missed singing the song you were supposed to sing.

Some divisive voices would suggest that the wants and needs of women in society have changed and that political power is the primary interest and need of women in this day. This is not so. A recent poll indicated that the individual priorities of U.S. women today are:

1.
A strong family

2.
Raising children

3.
Growing spiritually

4.
Economic equity

This means that the values of women in the United States are comparable with the values of women in our Church. You need not be defensive or ashamed of these priorities of family, children, church, and equal economic opportunities.

Your grandmother and I urged your mothers to get an education, not only to help them in their homemaking but also to prepare them to earn a living outside the home if that became necessary. Going to college is a wonderful experience, but the dollars, the effort, and the time are much better used if the education also prepares the student with a marketable skill.

I have said that you are wonderful, special, and unique as women. Let me tell you why.

Women seem to arrive at decisions in different ways than men do. I have noticed that your grandmother "thinks" with her heart. My approach seems more logical. Your grandmother is concerned about how her decisions affect the people around her. Beverley Campbell talks about it this way: For a woman, "her primary concern is what will be the greatest good for the greatest number of those around her. In value terms this would be called 'care and mercy.' For men the research indicated that the moral thought process was probably much more direct. It generally boiled down to firm rules of right and wrong, black and white." ("Understanding the Uniqueness of Woman," transcript of a talk delivered at Brigham Young University—Hawaii, May 1981, p. 2.)

Sister Campbell says: "Could it be that we, each of us, man and woman, were endowed at the time of creation with two distinct but equally important traits, traits which are both essential and complementary and bound to be used together in wisdom for the greatest good of all mankind?" (Ibid., p. 5.)

It may not be possible for economic reasons, but if you have the choice, do not abandon too quickly the full-time career of marriage and mothering. Some may criticize you and say that you have no ambition, that you lack brains, or even that you are seeking to get your fulfilment from others. But you don't have to earn money to be important. You may choose not to sell your time.

As you consider a professional career, remember that no one will love you more than those in your own home. In the business or scientific world, no one would consider you to be perfect. But your little ones, for a time, will think that you are perfect. And if you are wise, they will adore you for eternity.

No one will need more of your time and energy and attention than your family. Their needs will not go away during the daytime working hours. But there is the advantage that in working twenty-four hours a day on family relations, you are working on eternal relations as well. Thus, you will also have more time to serve the Lord's church on earth where your service is valued and needed.

I hope your husbands will be more helpful than I have been, but homemaking is whatever you make it. Every day brings satisfaction along with some work that may be frustrating, routine, and unchallenging. But it is the same in the law office, the dispensary, the laboratory, or the store. There is, however, no more important job than homemaking. As C. S. Lewis said, it is the one for which all others exist.

You all know that I adore your grandmother. To me, she is the greatest person in the world. She has done more for me than anyone except my mother, who gave me life. I hold this view, not in spite of the fact that she is a woman, but because she is a woman. She has brought to flower and fruitage many of the divine qualities of womanhood at their noblest and best. I can give you no better model than she.

Now it is very important, whatever you do, that you seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness. (See Matt. 6:33.) It is important that you accept without reservation the Savior for what He was and Joseph Smith for what he was and President Ezra Taft Benson for what he is. God will not ennoble a person, man or woman, who refuses to uphold by faith, prayer, and works those whom God has called to preside over him or her. My dear granddaughters, you will want to sustain priesthood authority.

Some women may feel it subverts their agency to be directed by the power of the priesthood. This feeling comes from misunderstanding. There should be no compulsion, duress, or unrighteous dominion involved in priesthood authority. Elder Stephen L Richards stated: "Our accord comes from universal agreement with righteous principles and common response to the operation of the Spirit of our Father. It is actuated by no fear except one. That is the fear of offending God, the Author of our work." (In Conference Report, Oct. 1938, p. 116.)

Following the priesthood of the Church is an expression of faith in the Lord's continuing guidance of his church. It is a willing acceptance of the principle of divine agency.

Girls, you must practice virtue in its largest sense. Of the many definitions of virtue, such as moral excellence, right action and thinking, goodness of character, and chastity, I also appreciate the definition of virtue as an order of angels. You cannot become great women if you are not also good women. You will become great women if you join an order of angels.

You may ask, "How do I join an order of angels?" My answer is that you must hunger and thirst after righteousness. William Law, an eighteenth-century clergyman, said: "If you have not chosen the Kingdom of God first, it will in the end make no difference what you have chosen instead."

One of the great women I know is Sister Isabelle Bangerter. I have known her for over forty years. At age 93, Sister Bangerter is the mother of eleven outstanding children. My missionary companion, Elder Wm. Grant Bangerter of the First Quorum of the Seventy, is the second eldest of these children. Utah's Governor, Norman Bangerter, is the tenth child. She has a posterity of over 260. There have been 72 marriages in the family, every one of which has been a temple marriage, and there have been no divorces.

As I have wondered what made Isabelle Bangerter so great, I have concluded that it was because she has hungered and thirsted for righteousness.

President Kimball said it well: "Among the real heroines in the world who will come into the Church are women who are more concerned with being righteous than with being selfish. These real heroines have true humility, which places a higher value on integrity than on visibility. Remember, it is as wrong to do things just to be seen of women as it is to do things to be seen of men. Great women and men are always more anxious to serve than to have dominion." (Ensign, Nov. 1979, p. 104.)

Granddaughters, cultivate and employ your noble womanly instincts of care and mercy. Always hunger and thirst after righteousness. Great women respond generously to their instincts to do good. With your very being held still, listen to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit. Follow those noble, intuitive feelings planted deep within your soul by Deity. By responding thus to the Holy Spirit of God, you will be sanctified by truth and you will be eternally honored and loved.

Much of your work as a woman is to enrich mankind. Care and mercy seem to be a dominant refrain of the song you have the opportunity to sing. I hope you will not leave any of the melody unsung.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-22T16:50:00.000-07:00

This picture was taken in between our children's participating in a nativity reenactment. Don't you love how understanding a little bit of the love of Christ coming to earth is shown in their faces? J of course is just a baby but even he knows the word Jesus, and always looks to the picture we have over our mantel that shows Simeon meeting Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus at the temple if we are talking about Jesus.

Just in time for Christmas

2011-12-13T22:16:00.001-07:00

Last week, in one day, I experienced three extraordinary gestures of human kindness; a phone call, a casserole, and a warm fuzzy robe. They were all given by friends who wanted to show support, love and help. Have you noticed how when you are shown kindness it gives you more strength to go on? This is what it does for me.

I am convinced that the word righteousness and kindness are nearly the same thing.
I am not sure how everything is judged and how the future of this world will come for the Millennium, but I do know that there are quite a few people who love and serve and show kindness who will see it all happen.

I love the moments in life that open my heart to my fellow human being, that help me love more, and see the good more in others. I wish I had that kind of sight for everyone.

Meanwhile, I am tired, but doing fine. Lincoln love is with Daddy in the ER right now being rehydrated, it has been a long day, and perhaps the days and nights to come will be difficult as stomach flues are easy to spread among family members, but I was given a priesthood blessing that I would be able to do the normal work of my life ( in reference to the hernia) and I have been able to do just that since the blessing. There was a marked difference in what I was able to do that first week and since then. I think things will turn out all right.

Elizabeth was older.

2011-12-08T09:26:00.001-07:00

This short video of Mary and Elizabeth was the most poignant to me of the new videos made by the Church depicting the advent of Christ into the world. I cried as I saw Elizabeth dealing with the discomfort of being pregnant at an old age. Bodies change. My body doesn't support this pregnancy as easily as the others, but I am still living in comfort by contrast to the conditions that must have existed in the time of Christ....warm baths, soft mattress, laundry machine, a food supply that I pick up with a cart and a van. I am sure there were plenty of unusual discomforts that Elizabeth experienced with patience that were not documented. Even now doctors don't have statistics or data about women with inguinal hernias during pregnancy, it is so rare. This is my fourth child and I will only be 36 when he is born, so what do I have to complain about? Both of our mothers were near forty when they had their sixth and seventh child. Talking with my Mom, the destruction of my body isn't a reason to stop having children, because she did it, she is changed, and it was worth it. For her the decision has to be about revelation and knowing for sure the course you take is right. Talking to my husband is almost different. He would like to have more children of course, and sees the sacrifice his Mother and my Mother made and the children who came because of it. We grow older anyway right? Our bodies will fall apart eventually. There are many days when I feel I have reached my limit. I keep having dreams about being pregnant with twins. I don't know if that is a subconscious realization that these two boys are closer than my other children or if there really are twins later on in the picture for our family. The truth is I don't really know what to do, but I am sticking to the initial decision that this is my last pregnancy. Before I became pregnant this time I discussed with Loren the feeling I had that if I ever decided to stop having children I would be removed out of my place. He assured me that thought was not the right thought, and that the decision of how many children to have is completely up to the Mother. Studying and listening to different conference talks since then I was assured that this is the doctrine of the Church and to believe it. It was incredibly liberating to think along these lines, that the decision was up to me, but those old thoughts are seeping back into my mind. Is it the advasary? I can imagine the delivery day turning into an emergency c-section because of the hernia and having all three surgeries at the same time. What happens after that, I don't know, but both Mothers will be taking a turn to help me....for a little while anyway.

The other side of opportunity.

2011-11-30T17:05:00.001-07:00

Lor thought he would have to work all day Saturday. We started decorating for Christmas. Around noon he said he was done for the day and asked if we would like to drive to the Oakland temple to see the lights and do a parent/swap kind of temple session. We had a lot of work to do at home, but how many times do you get an opportunity like that? Here are the kiddies while I was taking my turn inside. During Loren's turn we watched the sunset from the rooftop gardens, and saw a few minutes of the Christmas lights as they were testing them out during "The Magic of Christmas" musical performance they were putting on next door to mark the beginning of the Christmas lights season. The plan was to go to Fentons and then come back with the kiddies to see the lights after they were really on, but meanwhile baby J developed a serious cough that was immediately recognizable as croup, and we headed home as soon as Loren was done (though we did stop for food). Suspecting that big sister, who had been coughing for several weeks probably passed it on, we stayed home from church the next day and Monday took them both to the doctor. Croup and Walking Pneumonia. Tired Mommy, tired Daddy, messy house, half decorated. Decorating supplies everywhere. Monday night I told Lor about a lump I had that I was worried about being a fast growing tumor, Tuesday I went to the doctor and, it is a pregnancy related hernia, I was pretty relieved actually that I didn't have cancer or something. I have spent a lot of time reading about what that might mean, and "taking it easy", and finally deciding that I have to live and do my work no matter what, so things are starting to be organized and clean, though I am guessing we won't be caught up until Friday. Today was a warm breezy day. The fall leaves were "snowing". The children are feeling better. I have an appointment with a surgeon. Yesterday I had to crawl around a couple of times because of the pain, but that must have helped because I have been able to work today. Lincoln said as we walked down the street, "They need to clean up their leaves so it looks like Christmas." Ari said, "This weather just makes me feel like working." So I let them dig trenches in the garden together while I mowed the leaves with the propelled lawn mower and we filled the holes with leaves and they covered them up while Joseph napped.

Taking on a Name

2011-11-30T09:22:00.001-07:00

Last night the children and I were preparing our advent calendar for Christmas. This year we are starting a new tradition of using a real potted tree and putting an ornament on each day of December that has written on it one of the names of Jesus Christ or one of the attributes of Christ. As I looked up a list in a scripture reference guide I was overwhelmed with love and awe, remembering who He is.
As human beings we take on pseudo-names. We use them to create a social identity. We conform our behavior to that incomplete identity and find acceptance and a "place" where those parts of us match. For example if I wrote one of the things I am; an engineer, a scientist, an artist, a creator, a mother, an observer of plants and stars and birds, a feminist, an environmentalist, a minimalist, an historian, a dancer, a poet, you might start to get a picture of who I am. If I stopped in my description with one or two things you might imagine me to be completely different than who I really am. If I wrote all of the categories we put ourselves in, you might understand me more. I could also write that as a stay-at-home Mother of three plus one on the way, I spend more of my earthly allotment of time doing laundry, cleaning messes, making meals, gardening than any of the previous identifiers, you could understand my life a little bit, but not of the attributes I have or am working on. Nothing we write can quite describe the complete and unique person we are.
Except for one.
I am a child of God.
That means I have a divine potential to become like God.
When I was baptized I took upon myself the name of Christ. Sometimes I err, or sin, or forget His name and that I am trying to become like Him. Sometimes different parts of my soul are put away because of the busy-ness of life. Those interruptions in forming my true identy as a follower of Christ are hard. I have been taught about repentance and the reason Christ came to earth, that He performed The Atonement for us, and know that it is real. We can be forgiven, improve, and feel God's love and pleasure with us and how we are living our life.
As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I have the scriptures(The Bible, The Book of Mormon, The Doctrine and Covenants/Pearl of Great Price), living prophets and apostles to teach, encourage, and guide me in my quest.
All of His commandments are to help us, create us, preserve us, protect us and disobeying them destroys our own identity.
God's interaction with us does not stop with commandments and scriptures and the prophets.
He also gives us clues and encouragement to find out who we are, our talents and abilities, what will make us happy on this earth and in eternity through prayer and personal revelation. The pattern of growth and understanding I have experienced in my communications with God have been similar to the pattern Joseph Smith experienced in his transformation from an unlearned farm boy of fourteen years to a prophet of God with wisdom, understanding, identity, AND humanity.
We act on one prompting from God, and He will teach us the next step to take.
The success of my life, the way I act and conform my behavior, my goals and dreams, my identity are not defined by words created by humans, but by The Word.

When opportunity knocks

2011-11-23T09:53:00.001-07:00

When it does, we open the door.
I am putting together a dvd of our year for the cousins so they won't forget us, or can laugh, or remember us for 20 min, and hopefully watch it over and over again... and realize that it looks like we live a charmed life....maybe do? The reality is that if we find time together, we take it, like this afternoon, Lor is off at 12, and we will go and do something with the kids, and we record it. Often our trips are to the San Francisco or the Ocean.
As a child, for example a trip to the coast was an almost once a year event as we visited relatives, and was the ultimate vacation planning and destination. For our landlocked cousins, I hope they understand that it is like visiting the mountains for them or going hiking or fishing, but a little more painful to get there because it is further away.
We have three pictures on our wall of the three sets of grandparents. Each of them are from a fun activity we had with them. Two grandparents have a picture of trips we took together to Washington DC and the Outer Banks in NC. My parents have a picture from a hike we took together a half an hour from their home up the canyon. Each event had the same pleasure for us and the moments together from the pictures shared love and happiness.
Each was an opportunity to be together, and we took it.

We are taking another opportunity that has presented itself, to take a vacation, just Lor and I. The price was too good to pass up. I can't sleep I am so excited. Last night I awoke at 2:45am remembering eating custard for breakfast for the first time and walking down the black pavement in Hawaii as an eleven year old. I wanted to go barefoot for some reason, and my grandmother let me. I think I wanted to touch the land, have the full experience. I can still see the gum and smell the exhaust from the cars as we went to the beach for the first time. We went to many other places and had lovely experiences including my first time in the cockpit as we flew over the Grand Canyon of the Pacific. Now, eleven years into marriage, my husband and I are going to really get to touch the land as we camp and hike, kayak and snorkel in Hawaii. The anticipation makes it so I can't sleep (second night and day in a row). We will take the same sheets and sleeping pad that I slept on for the first seven months of our marriage, and the same tent we camped in the UK. The place we are going is called a "nature lover's paradise". Imagine the transportation!
I am trying some sense into myself and give up the idea of an 11 mile hike to a secluded beach to camp overnight... at seven months pregnant.

Make Someone Happy

2011-11-20T09:36:00.001-07:00

Trying to come up with a way to show Lor that he is celebrated, loved, appreciated is a tricky thing. He always seems to do such a good job of it on my birthday/valentines day, anniversary, Christmas. I have always been the one feeling like I need to do more but racking my brain trying to figure out what the right thing might be. I kind of feel like I am the less gifted one when it comes to giving gifts in our family. Technology is usually the only thing that he wants, and I can't buy those things for him. This year for his birthday I tried to do a little, like making our home more livable and welcoming to guests by removing the food storage from the tops of the shelves in the kitchen and decorating it a bit. The atmosphere is changed, and I would be happy to say yes now if he wants to bring someone home for dinner ( I said no last week unfortunately before things were organized.) For a birthday surprise, we had some friends come over for a game night. It really is one of his happy things to play a good game and be a little silly. My favorite thing is to watch/listen to him play and enjoy his brothers and family. They seem to know how to tease/negotiate and love at the same time. I love to facilitate these times as much as possible, when he can get together with his family. It was good to have a game night and I made his favorite cake from scratch, but erred in not calling the children down to sing happy birthday with the adults. The kiddies were preparing a skit for us to enjoy and laugh over and I knew they wouldn't want to disclose their costumes prior to the performance, but later Ari did cry because she missed the chance to sing happy birthday with the cake and watch daddy open his presents. (We did it again just for her.) Here is a little segment from the after-show dance, all the grown ups did end up dancing I think.

Birthday morning we made crepes and all the toppings. Ari is getting to be quite the helper and in a few years may be able to handle making crepes herself. The rest of the morning Lor spent with the kiddies looking through his memory box and showing them pictures of his history.

The rest of the day didn't quite go as I envisioned, but it was beautiful none-the-less. Babysitting options didn't quite play out and baby had a runny nose and a few other things got in the way. We ended up going to the Tower Cafe for lunch and then driving out to the temple with the children to walk around a little. (Someone forgot his shoes again in the rush to get out of the door before baby J cried to much after his morning nap, good thing sister had some flip-flops in the car.) Then it was home for a snack and off to practice for the nativity reenactment that our Stake will put on during the annual creche exhibit for Christmas while daddy worked in his office.

My Husband and I have a working relationship. We work to make our lives together, but haven't a lot of time to play together. It is just the way our life has been, and even more so this year. When he proposed taking a little escape trip to Madrid before the baby is born....well that is about as tempting a proposition as I can think of....but had to veto it as an 18 hour plane trip wouldn't be the best thing for a fully pregnant woman. We went through several iterations of the question and different places to go, we actually had time to communicate this weekend, before I realized the issue really is that he works incredibly hard and needs to play and feel free for a little while too. My kayaking trips have been that for me, taking my own happiness into my hands because I came to the realization that I can't depend on spending time with him, my best friend, to ensure my happiness. It just isn't possible with our lifestyle to expect or plan on it, so I have to find a way to be happy and cope while he is working so hard somewhere else. The whole idea that is propagated in love stories is contained in this quote from Sense and Sensibility, "After all, it is bewitching in the idea of one's happiness entirely depending on one person." Perhaps I am an old married woman to finally understand that a lot of my happiness depends on my choices, though it is true that his behavior and choices effect my happiness, and if they were poor choices or bad behavior I could very well be miserable. I am not sure how the question of taking a get-away trip will be resolved, but we have discussed so many things from the effect it might have negatively on baby J, to finances, to extended family and in-laws and how they feel about the question. The communication is good. Meanwhile I need to stop writing because my five year old just said, "Mommy, your message is growing with exponentiallity. "

How is that for happiness? :)

Singing Strength

2011-11-13T22:12:00.001-07:00

Today was the annual children's program at church.
Traditionally it is the day when friends and family come to adore your little children with you as they sing about Jesus.
I felt very blessed to have some neighbors sitting by us, as family are too far away to come.
We tried not to laugh too much at my son's eyebrows, which have always been expressive, and they were especially so during the program. I imagine it was under the prompting of the music director or that he was imitating her own facial expressions, he just has more muscles in that part of his face than a regular human being. Still he was sweet and sincere in his singing and when he said his line.
My daughter has changed a lot in the last year. I remember writing about her singing last year. This year was marked less by her smiles and more by her ernest face as she sang with her heart her testimony. She is growing up, my little one.

I suppose it was the program that sent me into waves of homesickness.
After the children and I ate dinner I sat down at the piano to play and sing.
My role in my family growing up was to start the Sunday singing. To sing with your soul with people you love is the best thing in this world. My family knew this and would quickly join in singing, and one of my more proficient siblings or mom would take over the piano,as I can only sustain a few songs all the way through with people singing along.
I wanted to have that kind of moment tonight so much. I know that even if we lived close, the probability of singing with the whole family tonight would be slim, unless we happened to be together for dinner or a birthday or a holiday type of gathering, but of course the probability of having that happening some time or other in the next few months is 100%.

So instead of staying home with my children and improving my skills with accompanying and giving them traditions and memories of Sunday singing, I took all three tired children to Stake Choir practice. They did remarkably well considering the circumstances. I was happy to see them responding to the music and that they were surrounded by it. Still we reached a point where it was less helpful for us to be there than to leave so I did. I think, even if Lor is done with his meetings earlier in the next couple of weeks, I will just stay home and try to create a beautiful home and sing with my children.

A Father's Lens

2011-11-13T11:51:00.001-07:00

Discovering that Lor's meeting schedule ended early on Friday, and that we had a rare open Saturday morning, we decided to take a trip to Monterey to visit the Aquarium.

Of course he worked on the drive down. (I took a nap on the drive home.)

We also had to stop in Cupertino on the way. We haven't been there as a family for while.

I chuckled as I looked through the apple logo clothing as Joseph made a bee-line for the other side of the store with all the gadgets. He is such a boy.

I enjoyed telling Lincoln, as I took him to the restroom, about the first time he was there at one year old and had a huge poopout and I had to give him a bath in the sink. Even then, having a child on campus was unusual (no changing stations), but imagine what an anomaly we presented to all the cool techies in their sophisticated gray and black as we walked in with three kiddies, 9,5,1, and one obviously on the way. It was near the end of the day, so most people were gone or on their way home for the weekend, and there wasn't so much of a buzz in the air as I remember. We couldn't have imagined our life now when we first walked in those doors. We had a nice early dinner there (everything is organic). Are you interested in our food choices? Lor had a sandwich and we shared two bowls of squash soup, fruit salad, grain salad, a large hot cocoa, apples, the children additionally had an ice cream/sorbet and cookies.

There was a members-only night Friday evening at the Aquarium, and the next morning we went early, so we were able to leave around noon when things get really crowded and still feel like we enjoyed ourselves. The boys took naps on the way down and they managed themselves very well for staying up late. After our night at the Aquarium we were hungry, so we had canned sardines , oysters, crackers, grapes and greek yogurt in our hotel room. (Lor also bought some Thai kettle chips as a treat for me that we all shared.)

I wanted to share how a Daddy sees the world by what he recorded.

I took one picture of course, but the rest are from him. My favorite video that he made is too long to post on a blog, so we will probably add it to a DVD to send to the family for Christmas, so they don't forget us. It was nice on Saturday to let him guide the children around, and me just follow. I do a lot of what I call "Mission Control Mommy" so it was nice to let someone else take over that role for a bit. I loved reminding the children to address all requests, concerns, and suggestions to their father.

I am really starting to fall in love with the ocean. The visit to the Aquarium seemed like it is there just to tickle the public's conscious, but that the real experience and adventure is within reach and waiting just outside. I think next time we go down, we will investigate other activities like kayaking or snorkeling.... do you think they have wetsuits for tall pregnant women.... ha ha ha I guess this is one really wonderful thing about California, most of the population is within visiting distance to the ocean. We sure enjoy that one wonderful thing.

Introducing

2011-11-08T09:15:00.001-07:00

He is irrefutably a boy, but our tentative name of Leif Davidsson may or may not be the final one.

We are not even sure if we will go with the tradition of using the initial LDS for a guide as we look for the name of this child. We need to explore our family histories and the history of different people who have lived on this earth, and the meaning of names to be sure of a name for our boy.

We are starting to wrap our minds around the idea of having a boy.
His measurements of his leg bones, heart, brain, kidneys and the observations of a panel of experts all seem to indicate that he will be born with the same opportunities most humans are born with in this world.

Conversations at breakfast included ideas like, now that we have some assurances that we are going to have a child that can adapt, we can continue to plan on a lifestyle of change. We talked about traveling, or living in different places. Having three boys makes things easier for housing requirements as they can all share a room, and when Wendy bird wants to leave the nursery she will be fine in a small room or loft or whatever is available as we live the life before us. It is more consistent I guess with our intuitive feeling about our life, that we will move and go and change as those opportunities arise.

I had my mind on another scenario entirely, that of settling down in a community, raising a daughter with downs syndrome and my other children growing and loving and enjoying life with and around her. She would have made it necessary to do so. I even imagined the pampering and prettying that my eldest would enjoy and the calm spirit the baby would have during Sacrament meeting as I train my other boys to be reverent. I feel like this is the last child that I will bear, so the name, Lilien Dalia will have to wait for a granddaughter I guess. It was carefully chosen and means so many things on so many levels to me. I begged for her to be sent, I wanted her however she came. I trust God in everything though, that this boy is right for our family. I trust that God knows what will bring us the growth and happiness and experience that we need in this life to learn the lessons we need to return to Him someday.

I did cry, my daughter cried. There are lots of emotions at this moment,it is hard to express them all. I want to be a better mother to my one daughter and not have so many regrets like the first nine years of her life holds for me.

I also laughed and laughed when the baby showed "finger toes" like Lor has, and a big nose, which may be my only legacy since our children mostly resemble their father.

Lullaby Lay

2011-11-06T11:48:00.000-07:00

It is November now.
The poems about October and fall don't quite fit here, but maybe by the end of the month....The only tree that remembers is the American sweet gum out our front window, which is lovely with Autumn....actually we are entering the greenest time, when the rains make the "Golden State" hills turn green, and even the sidewalks and sides of the buildings will turn green with mold and moss.

Saturday, four friends and I took a tour of Tomales Bay.
We overdressed for the weather, expecting it to be cold, and eventually removing all but one layer and the dry jacket provided by the touring company.
It turned out to be a lovely overcast day, with calm water almost to the end of our paddle, when the winds started coming in for a rain storm.
Beforehand I was a little worried that if something went wrong, with the pregnancy, everyone would blame me for taking an unnecessary risk and harming my baby, even though everything I have read says that kayaking is quite a safe activity for pregnant women. I was also worrying about tomorrow, when we will find out if baby shows more evidence of downs syndrome and we learn its gender. I hadn't really felt much movement since that day I wrote about it, so I wondered why this baby is so quiet.

My face muscles had a great workout.
I think I was smiling the whole time.
I can't even describe how glad I was to have this time with nature and these good friends and how much I love them more for sharing and doing it with me.

It turned out to be a bonding day for baby and me as well. It was just like a lullaby being on the water, and I felt the baby move more than I ever have as I paddled and sang and talked and enjoyed it all.

Here are the words I sang to baby by Alice Riley (to my own tune)

The Slumber Boat

Baby's boat the silver moon

Sailing in the sky

Sailing o'er the sea of sleep,

While the clouds go by.

Sail baby, sail,

Out upon that sea

Only don't forget to sail

Back again to me.

Afterwards we had home-made blueberry pie and then went for some great seafood at a nearby restaurant as it began raining in earnest.

Reposting from September: Indignation over injustice to the underdog.

2011-10-29T09:57:00.000-06:00

I think I have always felt sympathy for those who aren't treated fairly in this world. I would dare say it is part of my nature as well as the way I was trained, or the experiences in life that have made me into what I am.

Being near the top of the consumer chain is a little troublesome for me. Every time I make a purchase I imagine the workers along the way who were part of bringing the product to me and the little I know about the difficulty of their lives and work.
When I see anger in the world at the US, though it is often, as anger is apt to be, not quite defined, I think, "We deserve it." I imagine that a large part of it is because people aren't living comfortable lives and they get a feeling that someone in the world is living that way at their expense. Sometimes I imagine visiting other countries, as I would love to do, and being caught in the middle of a social uprising, which would be frighting, and imagining that I would just take whatever comes my way calmly as a form of deferred judgement for the injustice in the world.

When Lor told me that during the month of _____ his manager told him to only expect to sleep in his bed seven nights. I replied, "Well when you are not in your bed, you can remember the workers in China who leave their families for months at a time to make the product that it is your work to distribute. He then replied that he thought his companies decision to move their production facility inland would make it easier for workers to visit their families and have a more normal lifestyle. That made me feel a little better.
Incidentally, I tried broaching the subject with a young missionary who is from the same city in China that we were talking about. I asked him, " When will Chinese workers rise up and demand work that will match a lifestyle (similar to what we expect in the USA as "the american dream" though a lot of us work long hours too) conducive to family life?" He responded in a way that shocked me a little, like the idea wasn't even in his mind, because there is such a huge demand for jobs that anyone who goes against the system is out of a job. Having a job was the ideal. ( I guess that is a pretty huge motivation for us too.)

In addition to the broader injustices of our world, I learned the lesson fairly young about not making a joke out of demeaning another person. I don't know exactly how old I was, but it was elementary school. It is painful to recall, but I thought I would make my friends laugh by imitating someone we knew who didn't walk easily. I ended up falling flat on my face. I felt it was a lesson straight from God teaching me never to make fun of one of His children.

So when certain skits come up, do you know the ones I mean, that imitate paraplegics, or dwarves, or.________or if someone tells a blond joke.... I feel myself going into a dark cloud of disapproval. It frightens me in a way because I know those laughing won't understand at all why my face is so dark. Lor tries to explain to me that people laugh, not quite understanding what they are laughing about and not to judge them too harshly. I feel like can't even look at them, I can't even witness who is laughing or who is making the joke because it will make me feel less towards them, and I have to leave the room.

I guess that is all for now.
There is little we can change about all of the injustices in the world, but I had to write at least how I feel. After all that is better than yelling "Stop" and going into frantic passionate arguments in front of a crowd of people who would think I went crazy right?
All I can hope is that my writing will change the how people think in just a little way, and my indirect references won't be too offensive.
I really do love the people I can't look in the face sometimes.

PS If you are wondering why I am blogging at strange hours in the morning, I will tell you. I wake up with a knot in my stomach and a thought in my head and...that always "makes it hard to sleep."

The Eternal Verities

2011-10-29T09:50:00.000-06:00

One of my favorite movies is, "Wives and Daughters." My apologies if you haven't seen it, but one of my favorite quotes from the end of the movie is, "You men concern yourselves with the eternal verities, we women are content to ponder the petty things in life."

(Elizabeth Gaskell died before writing the ending to the book, and the movie just amazes me for its perfect ending....one of the reasons I would love to name our baby Mali if it is a girl, though Lor won't go for Mali Dalia)

This week I had a brilliant lunch with my husband.

This month has been challenging, I suppose it is ok to write now that it has been a busy month for my husband's work. I might even post what I wrote before this month, but took off my blog because it might have caused problems for him at work, since everything is confidential and secretive about what is happening behind the scenes. Breakfast and dinner time, fundamentals of our family life, have been interfered with, three business trips in one month...summary...we have been operating under a low level of time with Daddy, honey, spouse...you know... him. Though I have had the conversation of good friends women tend to talk about the pressing issues children present, their development, friendships, schooling, lessons, coping strategies, there hasn't been much talk about the eternal verities.

There is simply too much of life to sort through in girl talk, there is little time for politics or science or discussions of the condition of the world and the morality of it all.

Lor and I had the luxury of walking down the street to our daughter's school award's assembly and then having lunch afterwards, as he was able to work from home for the day.

We talked about Obama's plan to let students pay of their debts slower, the future of industry (or not), and any number of news articles. I think sometimes I am just overflowing with thoughts that I need feedback on to develop the full idea better.

Being a homemaker, and having a personal feeling that friendships after marriage with other men is pretty much impossible in this world, Lor is my main springboard for ideas. I suppose this is where living close to brothers might be a good thing.....Mark, I need you to write to me now and then. (Wouldn't it be liberating if we all thought of each other as brothers and sisters!)

Here is the continuation of an idea Lor and I were discussing, simplified and perhaps misrepresented, I invite him to write on the blog, though I admit I have taken it over a bit. It is how I communicate my ideas to him as well when he is not here to listen to them.

His idea is that the future of manufacturing, industry, farming is that everything will be robotized, leaving (the majority) of humans to engage in intellectual pursuits, research, development. He sites the progress industry has had in this direction as a precedent.

My idea is that this cannot be sustainable. The luxury of time we enjoy now, in the food we eat, the clothes we wear, is still based on the manual labor of thousands of humans. Even if these factories were automated, they would still be money factories. (to borrow a phrase from the Dinotopia books) We still depend on farmers for food, though they are in another country or working as invisible citizens of ours. It is only our separation from these workers that makes us imagine that the world is anything close to progressing. Manual work is not necessarily a bad thing, but the unequal opportunity and distribution of education and manual labor that is the bad thing. To make the world truly sustainable, we would all take our turn at both.

I have to justify my existence somehow don't I?

boys and girls

2011-10-25T23:22:00.001-06:00

I am a woman.
I have a daughter.
I am intensely interested in helping her be successful in life, so I catch news stories like this.
and this

Depending on how extended my mothering phase of life might be, I may or may not be re-entering the workforce and educational system, so the ideas may be important for myself as well, though really I focus a lot of energy on her.

I don't want to pressure her too much, but she does pick up on the way I feel remarkably well, and she wants to please and do her best.

Today another little girl played basketball. She was cute and bouncy. She was a little sister of one of the boys who was signed up before. The word I was thinking was "silly", where last week the attitude of everyone was serious, she made people around her smile.
What is wrong with smiling, I asked myself? Why isn't it ok to look like you are having fun and happy?

I found out she was 7 afterwards. I guess that is legal, the age is 7-12, but really that is a remarkable difference in a lot of things developmentally.

It is just that things changed.
The way the boys treated my daughter.
The way my daughter acted (not as aggressive, not as much of a competitor, but she was also smiling)
The way the kids played around the little girl changed, they let her do stuff without challenge, but maybe I didn't understand everything, maybe it was the direction of the coach to act that way?

I resented her being there, I wanted my daughter to be the only girl because she did better learning basketball with other boys there. The other girl had just as much right to be there as anyone, if she wanted to be, so why did I feel that way?

Do girls really undermine each other's success?
Is it women who keep women down, by creating stereotypes that aren't conducive for business/diplomacy/science/sports, or are they? I had thought it was just about the way women dress, but maybe there is something more. Maybe it is our attitudes, or just the way women act.

What is the answer to this?

I used to be pleased enough that my daughter was a diplomat, and a genius for human interaction. Now that I have seen her do well, perform, grow, and have potential for so many other things, and that pleasure is so intense, how can I parent the right way, and smile and encourage, and help her be her best?

I can't create the world around her, only help her be ready to manage it on her own.

happy birthday

2011-10-23T18:32:00.000-06:00

Our scientist, inventor, creator, skinny kid, is five.
All he wanted to eat was strawberries, mango, bacon and waffles, so we did for breakfast and lunch. I hope for dinner he has something else, but he might just have it again.
His first waffle had about a quarter piece of waffle with about 8 strawberries and six mango slices sprinkled with bacon and yogurt. His second he put about twelve pieces of bacon on top with one strawberry and whipped cream. He ate all that bacon, but only one quarter of the waffle.

Friday we had friends over to carve pumpkins and had doughnuts and mango juice.

On Saturday we took our spaceman with some friends to the Aerospace Museum of California. The kiddies loved exploring the old planes and the flight simulator for an hour and a half. (tickets from Sacramento deals) They also loved playing on the child's fantasy space playground for an hour(which was free)
Sunday, daddy came home from a long flight business trip to unwrap presents before heading to church.
I think I'd better feed the kiddies dinner now. They are hungry.

peace like a river

2011-10-19T18:08:00.002-06:00

I felt the baby move today.
It was when I was laying down to read to Linc before his nap time.
I hadn't had lunch yet and my tummy was grumbly, and the baby turned all the way over.
Twice.
I could feel the firmness of it.

The first screening came back this afternoon.
I am an older mother.
1/36 chance that my baby has downs syndrome.

We will wait and see.

Dear Santa, Dear God

2011-10-19T14:53:00.000-06:00

First three songs on our i-tunes purchase list Jingle Bells-Acoustic Worship, Faire is the Heaven-Andrew Carwood, Patrick Russil & The Exon Singers, I'll be home for Christmas....purchased in October...523 songs later it is October again and I just purchased some more Christmas music. I had a song in my head this morning from that old record Mom had, Christmas is...by Percy Faith...now the whole album is on iTunes. I love Christmas.

Even when I was a kid I knew the difference between a wish and a prayer. I just couldn't pray to fly, but I guarantee that each birthday candle I blew out or falling star had that wish. I guess I haven't given myself over to wishing for a while so I thought I would make a list. Of course the other side of me knows that I have a lot to be grateful for so I have to do this in column form with the wish and a prayer.

the way we see things

2011-10-18T22:06:00.000-06:00

Here are a few photos from my camera. Baby J. likes dogs, well quiet non barking kind, though he is getting used to being licked and jumped on by a friend's american boxer puppy. Here he is eating his first ice cream cone and sharing the drips with the neighbor's dog.

Today we went to visit another neighbor who moved, and they were dog sitting Grandma's dog, Cinnamon. Baby J. spent a lot of the trip snuggled up to the dog with his head on his back or rolling over the top. Very tolerant dog I must say.

Today was Ari's first basketball practice. Not being really athletic as parents, we are trying to give her the opportunities to find out from coached lessons if she likes sports. She did very well. I think her ability to follow instructions makes up in a lot of ways for her inexperience with playing around with the ball. She was confident and buoyant though she turned out to be the only girl (besides one of the coaches) in this co-ed community class. I was so proud of her, though I feel like I look haggard in the photos. Linc and I worked on word recognition flashcards and counting and then he took control of the camera. I can't help feeling like he is a bit of an artist in his composition of the photographs....and a little boy, of course he had to do a spinning shot.

could be

2011-10-10T10:30:00.000-06:00

maybe it is October
the turn of the seasons
the wind, the rain

perhaps it is rediscovering an old pleasure
the thistle and shamrock
deciding not to be terrorized
to take my harp out of hiding

to live as I mean to
or maybe there is a change comin
somethin good

Praying

2011-10-06T18:52:00.001-06:00

Today I wore my long sleeved apple logo t-shirt and a wool shirt that my Grandpa used to chop firewood in. It has lost his smell since he died. I did have to wash it a few times, since I wear it every time I am lonely/thinking/missing him. It is ok to feel this way sometimes.
There are two experiences that bring us closer to humanity. One is childbirth, and one is death. Experiencing the first brings an awesome feeling of love and care for every human ever born. Each one was born by a mother who went through the pain and the joy of labor and delivery. How could anyone ever destroy another knowing this? Loving someone who dies also brings you closer to every other human being on this planet. You can never undervalue a life and how much that person who is gone means to the one who loves and is left behind. It is easy enough to morn, to remember, and to be gentle for whoever is going through it, having experienced it even if you don't really know the person well who died. The world is hard enough to live in and be all you need to be to point out flaws at the end. None of us are perfect. Hopefully all of us are loved. If not, there is even more reason to morn.

My life here has been an "education" into how others think and feel more than I can remember any other time in my life. News stories that catch my attention usually have to do with cultural issues in different countries. I have researched Hindu celebrations/festivals/beliefs to try to understand my hindu friend. I have tried to read the English translation of the Koran to understand my other neighbor friend(I didn't get very far with that one, perhaps I'll have to try that again). Of course, you'll be hearing regular updates about Baptist traditions as I experience them.

This week in heart-to-heart near the end of a lovely getting-to-know you time for our table, where it came out that I grew up in Utah ha ha, I am exposed, the leader/mother proposed having a group prayer with just the people at our table. I suppose it will be a regular thing from now on.

People pray in many different ways. I have been with people who hold hands and pray out loud before a meal even in restaurants. Some people say "Thank you for this food God, Hooray!" before a meal.

At heart-to-heart, one person started praying, said Amen, and then whoever felt like praying next would pray, until there was enough of a break for the leader to end with her prayer, after which we all said Amen. It reminded me of one time in our family prayers growing up when our prayers became a little redundant and before each prayer, we would go around the circle and each person would say the thing they wanted the person who was going to pray to remember to say. Then one person prayed, and we all said Amen, a word which we were taught meant that when you say it you agree with the words that have been said in the prayer and it becomes your prayer too.
When my dear friend prayed, her prayer reminded me of my sweet mother-in-law who sometimes reminds verbally during the prayer whoever is praying a certain person or family that needs a prayer. It is done in love and humility. My friend's prayer was just the right way, really talking with God. (I said Amen out of turn even though I didn't know it at the time.) I was glad to be there and feel it.
Too often my own prayers are in the few seconds between waking up and hearing a child who needs me, or late at night when I am so exhausted that my prayers ramble a bit around in my brain. The middle of the day, heart prayers sometimes are like that, but praying out loud...in public....that is a bit tricky to get right, to talk to God.

Human Interaction

2011-10-01T22:31:00.001-06:00

It is amazing how much the simple caring statement of a sincere friend can make such a difference.
A word of kindness and knowing that my husband was praying for me changed despairing pain into gratitude and tears as I drove down the road singing all the verses of "Redeemer of Israel"

That is how this week has been for me.
I lost my temper and yelled at my daughter early this week. She doesn't want me to tell the story to anyone that I did, I know she has already forgiven me, but I was in the throughs of despair over it for so long. This is part of my story and I hope in succeeding chapters this will not be part of the narration. I know I could use some counseling/parenting classes, but the truth is I have the answer in this scripture that was running through my head if not at the same time, then immediately afterward.
Of course I was substituting parenting for the word priesthood for personal application.

Doctrine and Covenants 121
37 That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man.

41 No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;
42 By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—

I know that we are obligated to work on our errors, to repent, to make things right, to change our weaknesses, to become fitting companions and friends to God. His way is the way to true happiness. I see most commandments as refining how we act, speak, think about and to our fellow human beings.

One of the interesting doctrines we have is that we will be the same people we are when we die, we won't be magically transformed into something else. It is absolutely anguishing at times to see how far you have to go and to have the Hope that a change can happen. We also believe that we can continue to work and progress and repent after we die, but that there is something extra important about working on it here, while we are alive living by Faith in the Atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ to make those changes effective.

I love this scripture as well as a fitting description of the continuity of our souls.
Doctrine and Covenants 130
2 And that same sociality which exists among us here will exist among us there, only it will be coupled with eternal glory, which glory we do not now enjoy.

Neil Anderson's talk today in general conference was right along the things I have been thinking this week. There were a few ideas that I had not been thinking right about, so it was good to listen and learn.

Here is something good from last week and then something good from this week.
At heart to heart, a woman had been through a traumatic experience and shared her story of how she was not alone, but felt," the sweet intimacies of God" during it. The truth that made my heart leap was when she said that at one point she realized that the people who stared at her for her disfigurement didn't have malicious intent. This is so true about experiences with God, you see your fellow man in a better light.

From this week...

I overheard this conversation at the dinner table.
L. singing " Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other is gold, Cameron is my gold friend because he has golden hair, and Makayla ( with a sigh and blinking his eyes) is my silver friend."
D. " what is Makayla like?"
L. " she has flowers in her hair like this" ( and makes a hand gesture pulling out is hands for braids)
D." do you have any other friend in the class?"
L.". Yes, there is Sangita, Ella, they are gold friends, but if you looked at my class it would be gold, silver, silver, silver, silver..."

We Believe the Bible to be the Word of God

2011-09-25T12:19:00.001-06:00

As far as it is translated correctly. (8th article of faith)

This week I have been studying different versions of the Bible in the English language using this web site.
I had no idea there were so many "versions" of the Bible.
I have mostly looked at 1 Corinthians 15 and the Ten Commandments. It started with a discussion at Heart to Heart about the wording of first commandment.
I am just about exhausted from the mental effort to analyze and process how different words could effect someone's idea about different doctrine, though I still want to check a few that we site as references to key points of our doctrine or for example, The Book of Mormon being published,the stick of Judah/stick of Ephraim verse in Ezekiel 37:19

Some things of course are not doctrinal changes and are just a change in language. Still, I imagine my non-Christian friends rolling their eyes every time a religious question comes up as there is such a difference in what Christians believe. I can almost hear the body language saying "You don't know what you believe" in reference to Christians as a group and the differences in our doctrines.

The words of Joseph Smith from his History are even more poignant now when he says, "for how to act I did not know, and unless I could get more wisdom than I then had, I would never know; for the teachers of religion of the different sects ^cunderstood the same passages of scripture so differently as to destroy all confidence in settling the question by an appeal to the Bible."

I have come to the conclusion that it isn't any worshiper's fault for the differences in doctrine. Understanding where my friends come from or what other Christian churches teach is the important thing. There really is no reason for argument or contention if we are basing our belief on different scriptures. Of course I also believe in absolute truths about doctrinal issues as well as a few mysteries that I accept as truths without understanding them, but this has come about because of my exposure to those truths, which not everyone has had.

I am also more interested in reading the King James version that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints publishes that has footnotes marked "Joseph Smith Translation". They are parts that the Prophet "corrected" the translation for by revelation. Those parts are easy to overlook because they are in the footnotes as you read the Bible. I think I will let my curiosity carry me on that continuation of study, since I believe Joseph was inspired of God.

I think it is amazingly coincidental that my personal question and study on the issue correspond to a greater explanation in our recent Ensign Magazine and for resources online on why we accept "The King James" version....nice timing, thank you.

Dreams

2011-09-23T07:30:00.001-06:00

I just woke up from an interesting dream.
They say pregnancy dreams are more vivid.

Lor had insisted that we stop by a certain house of a couple in our ward before going on a road trip. I had heard that the woman taught piano lessons and art lessons, but had never visited her home.

The lady was an eccentric old woman with wild curly hair and some extra softness on her. As I walked in with my daughter and mother I was blown away. She had created a golden stained glass room for lessons and creating things bordering an arched patio and courtyard with a dark blue pool. She had collected so many books that she even had her own library so her students could check them out, and my daughter immediately grabbed an armful and began filling out the lines in the checkout paper. In the courtyard, a space as large as four home lots where we are living now, were huge old trees, and there was elevation change, hills I mean and opened up into a larger natural space. Down below, her husband was taking a group of scouts on a hike beginning with a swim in the pool in full uniform.

Aghast, I asked her, "How did you find/make such a beautiful home with great trees and landscaping?"
Her reply was, "Spending fifty years trying to move."

In credible

2011-09-21T07:03:00.001-06:00

I was so thrilled at my appointment yesterday, I wanted to write it down so I could remember how I was feeling. Baby is 12 weeks 4 days and kicks with little legs, sucks on thumb, has little hips and belly and shoulders and head all at ~three inches! Ultrasounds have improved. The video looked like animated drawings, though the photos don't capture as much. I felt so much happiness I wanted to share the pictures with the women in the elevator, but resisted the urge until I was in the kindergarten pick up group. I felt so much joy at seeing this little person, I wonder if it is the law of contrasts coming into effect. Most days I am more tired than I remember being before, and try so hard to do what I need to do and take care of my children and home. I feel my face turning into the worn out mommy face that I was so afraid of becoming back when I told my childhood friend that I wasn't going to have children ( I don't remember this conversation, but she reminded me of it.). Yet, the joy is incredible! I feel so grateful to be bringing this child to earth and hope to make it through the experience well.

just in case the siblings feel overlooked...

Here are some delightful things about baby J. that I want to always remember.

He is a climber and explorer. I have caught him climbing on top of couches, chairs, piano, onto computer armoire and sitting next to the computer, in and out of the bathtub, up and in storage shelves, under the sink, into his wooden highchair and fastening the belt, over safety fences, and using his stroller as a tool pushing it, climbing up, and unlocking the door.

He is definitely my most active child. I thought that by taking multivitamins with omega oils during pregnancy and nursing I would be creating a genius, so it is kind of funny that the manifestation of his ability is mostly for the physical. He loves balls, and will throw over- hand repetitively against a wall or with anyone who will return it as well. pushes the train around the track, vrooms cars, and laughs and snuggles toy animals when daddy makes them " talk" and wiggle.

He likes to tidy up and I have to be careful about checking the laundry hamper and garbage cans for items he has dropped in.

One of his first words was "amen" , but now at seventeen months he folds his arms when we say " it's time to pray" or at the end of our best friends song that we sing before family prayers.

He also will give a little twist hand wave when someone says hi or bye.
He may even make kisses or kiss his fingers to you if you are a friend
He will " give five" to anyone who says it or just extends their hand, no matter the color of their skin or how long we have known them.
He repeats knowingly and lovingly "dada" and asks for "tickles"
He says,"baby" with a high to low song voice when he wants kisses and snuggles
He says "air" for airplane and points
He makes the sign for "more"and "milk" and has a complex song-code to illicit his pleasure that we understood and he is ready to eat.
He says something like "bubba" when his brother comes to play with him.
He loves to sing and conducts the rhythm, or dances if the music has a lot.
If you say "J. where is your eye? Or any other part he will put his finger up his nose because he thinks it is funny.
He goes to bed well and sleeps through the night most of the time;)

To be continued

What do you think?

2011-09-19T09:14:00.000-06:00

Lor tells me not to worry. There is nothing you can do to control what happens, so don't worry. I remember when I first discovered this aspect of his character in the early years of our marriage. I distinctly remember thinking that maybe after ____number of years it would rub off on me. I guess we balance each other out, as he tells me that there are things that he worries about, and I think I may have become more relaxed about some things.

What I was worrying about this morning was baby J's rough night. He woke up several times crying and with pain in his stomach. He had his MMR vaccination last week and I have been watching carefully as he has had fevers, fussiness, and tummy aches. Despite all the studies and research that have gone into proving that the regular immunization schedule is not related to autism, I still have the emotional impression of a feature story I watched recently. It was about the grandson of a famous reporter who developed autism after the vaccination. His mother was convinced that the immunization interfered with something in his gastrointestinal tract that thereafter affected his nervous system.

I think you'll find plenty of people who are passionate about this issue, so I worry a bit.

With my first child, it took lots of persuasion from my pediatrician for me to agree to immunizations. He had to give me literature and discussion about our "global environment" before I agreed, and even then insisted of a delay of four to six months on the "regular" schedule.

With my second, I didn't fight the system and different aspects of his behavior that I thought might be related to the immunization schedule gave me enough reason to resist the system for my third. I try to push back the timing at least four months to give baby J's little body enough time to be strong enough to handle it.

I also wonder if nursing has anything to do with it. He is my first baby that has gone through this without nursing.

We're not in Utah any more Totoro

2011-09-16T12:05:00.003-06:00

So, my house is driving me crazy, so I am deep cleaning and re-decorating, as much as I can without making huge changes to the infrastructure because we are renting.

This morning I took a trip out to the goodwill.

That is kind of the thing that people do when they are on a budget right?

I feel disappointed that so far, of the things I am scrubbing down, two are embedded with nicotine. One was a rice steamer for sticky rice that I found while looking for baskets for that annoying space on top of the kitchen shelves. I was so excited, I love sticky rice and have had some that is impossible to cook without a steamer. Oh bad idea. Christmas please?

I sure hope the picture frames aren't too bad, as that is what took me there in the first place, cheap picture frames that I can repaint.

Still, how do you make sure there aren't any vermin in the frames?

Yes I have found bugs in everything that I have been washing so far.

Should I put them in the dishwasher on sanitary cycle?

Ugh.... what a morning.

Live and learn.

My Great Grandmother's Poem

2011-09-15T21:46:00.000-06:00

Written to her husband some time after their son Eugene's death.
I wish I had more of her words!

Oh Youth's a thing of fire and ice
And currents that run hot and white,
And its world is as bright as the sun.

I Wore a plume in my hat and we went to the movies
And wept over "Stella Dallas" and
Arthur sang Moonlight And Roses" (a little off key,
but very nice really)
And we hurried through our crowded days with beautiful
plans, boundless ambitions and golden decisions.

There is so much a young heart clamors for,
This it must have, and this it cannot live without,
And it must be all or nothing, for aren't we the
masters of creation?

And we were twenty no more.
No more untamed, no more so free,
Nor so young, nor so wild and aflame were we.
Dearer to us then grew other things;
Easy sleep, books, a day's quiet holiday,
Good talk in the evening, the beauty of old faces.

We have known many things since then;
The death of a child and the bitter lesson that a heart
Which breaks must mend itself again
(That it can and must be done)
And what loyalty can mean, and how real a word like
courage can become,
And that solitude can be rich and gratifying
And quite different from loneliness........
There is so little the serious heart requires;
Friends, faith, a window open to the world.
Pride in work well done, and strength to live in a world
Sometimes beyond our understanding.

Dear Heaven, I give thanks to thee for the things I didn't
Know before.
For bread, and a roof and for one thing more,
A family that holds me to its bosom through joy and
Sadness, forevermore.

Those Marvelous Mormon Women

2011-09-15T20:56:00.001-06:00

The other night Lor came home late from work, so his plans for church work that evening were ....no longer an option. I took the opportunity of having him home for the evening to go to a Relief Society meeting that had already started, but I slipped in and was glad to be there. It was a pie making class. I was thinking about my grandmother the whole time, as she used to make the best pies....she isn't baking things these days. She must have felt my thoughts because she called me on the phone right when the instructor was showing us how to roll the dough.....quarter turn, roll, quarter turn....I tried to call her right back after slipping into my friend's pantry, but she was leaving me a long message on the voice mail, so I didn't get to talk to her until afterward.
Later as we were enjoying the results of our instructor's hours of work I looked around the room. I could imagine the day of labor these women had had. My friend, cleaning her house for the class, taking care of a baby and three boys with soccer(her Mom was there to help). Another sister in scrubs who must have had a long day already. One fully pregnant with twins. I saw in each of them just as much fatigue as I was feeling, yet there they were loving each other, giving careful attention, smiling. My heart went out to each of them. What amazing women! I love hearing about the pioneer women in the church or reading the story of my Great Grandmother. I love hearing that they were incredible! (http://lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/lds-women-are-incredible?lang=eng&query=Women+incredible)

I am so grateful to be part of a group of women where we are regularly reminded of the noble characteristics women share. I am glad that we are taught that women are kind, selfless, serve, nurture, and are strong. What a picture of ideal womanhood is painted for us! I am glad to imagine it, and I am glad to see all the good that happens in real life right before my eyes.

Confirmation

2011-09-10T06:44:00.001-06:00

Yes, you read that right, the subtle reference to the status of my body and the little person growing there. (Well I hope at least, I always feel a little nervous between doctors visits about how things are going until I can start to feel the movements of the baby.)
We are expecting our fourth child March 31st, 2012.
We found out three days after that sad day.
It was a marvelous thing. It felt like a witness, that Someone trusted me with another of His children.
Later, when I went in for my first appointment I saw the heartbeat. It was the most beautiful little squish I have ever seen. My heart was filled with joy.

The due date, as confirmed by measurements of the ultrasound, showed that even before I took the trip to visit my family in Utah, I was pregnant. **Nursing four times a night, sleeping in different beds, and being pregnant probably contributed to the state of mind my family was so worried about.
I also wonder if my self-depreciating conversation planted the seeds for the very thing that hurt the most. It is an old habit. Several times this last week as I have said something in reference to myself, I have been more aware of it as being a false statement and creating discomfort in the listener, and not doing any good at all.

It is true that I feel overawed at the responsibility to mother children, that I make mistakes sometimes and feel really bad about it, and that living in suburbia is a bit of a challenge for me, but...I shouldn't demean myself over it or call myself insane or constantly make jokes about going crazy.

It is also true that I have had a confirmation from God that He is pleased with my efforts, that He loves me. That I am ok. This came while serving in the Temple.

This makes all the difference to my heart.
I need to spend more time being truthful to that knowledge and not to my doubts and flaws.
I need to change how I think and represent myself to others.

**Baby J. has been weaned about a week now. Lor has been instrumental in this, fetching him in the morning to take him down for a snack, putting him to bed many nights with singing. J. still has a moments in the middle of the day when he cries like his heart is breaking, but it isn't every day any more.

Hearts

2011-09-09T23:28:00.001-06:00

I have a friend. I call her my heart friend. A person who I feel complete loyalty and admiration for. Someone who makes me happy just to see her face. She was from the first time I met her and we talked and found so many similarities in who we were. Sometimes you have to work a little harder to become a friend, overcome prejudice, or just learn more about a person before you reach true friendship. Sometimes your hearts can be knit right away, and there is no other explanation other than it is a gift from God.

We happen to have children the same age and who have been in the same classes at school, for which I am more than grateful as it has made our paths cross more frequently than otherwise.

The other night I had a talk with my husband about needing more adult conversation. Night conversations, when your pregnant and tired tend to be a little emotional. (PS I am super tired right now, but I just had to write these thoughts before my mind will let me go to sleep.)

Most meetings for Relief Society(the women's organization in our church) are in the evening and require the husband to be home to watch the kids.

I haven't been to one for a while because between work demands and church demands, there are only a few times a month my husband has available where he can watch the children. (one was tonight, I went to a baby shower, it was nice to be there with other women, and when I came home everyone was asleep) The same goes for girls night out, or if I ever wanted to do something extra like a sports team or exercise alone, or...not that I do, but I probably should. ;)

It is ok, I have accepted it, I understand he does his best, I do my best, we are working together, life moves on, I am responsible to teach and love my children, it brings me joy.

Still, I was feeling the need to talk and be with other women, so when my neighbor asked me (not the first time or the first year) to go to Heart to Heart at the Baptist church with her, I agreed, knowing my heart friend would probably be going and wanting to spend more time with her.

I am just learning about how it works, since I have been just once, but it is kind of a mixture of a Stake Relief Society dinner and

BYU's Women's Conference, except it is once a week and includes childcare(for a price).

It was very edifying to hear about our intrinsic value to God. After the speaker, we were to talk openly with other women about living as good representatives of God. I listened as women spoke frankly about radio or tv programs that they recognized that they needed to change to protect the innocence of their children.

I was glad I went, and glad to sit by my heart friend. I look forward to hearing her thoughts in the future.

One part I have noticed that it is either part of the normal rhythm of a Baptist service/ministry or has happened when we are there because someone cues in the minister that there is a Mormon in the midst, is an invitation to come to Christ, to accept Him and His Sacrifice to take away all of our sins. I heard the words, "Some of you may have never heard of this before." and felt that the comment was directed my way. I even wondered if my heart friend was praying for me to take the moment to confess Jesus as my Savior.

Perhaps it was just silly of me to think these words were directed at me, but it made me wonder if someone would say those words without making a study of our beliefs, without reading the Book of Mormon to investigate if what they had been told about "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints were someone's opinion or an accurate statement.

Our daily scripture study this week as a family has been from the book of Mosiah.

I have wish I could share just one chapter as an explanation or introduction into our belief in Jesus Christ.

Mosiah 4 would be a good start, though Mosiah 3 is loaded with doctrine.

It is funny, the whole idea of sharing a paper copy of The Book of Mormon, because in reality it is available online to any thinking, questioning, wanting to understand, person there is who wants to read it.

Well, for that matter, so is the Bible.

I wish I could be understood on this.

2011-09-03T04:36:00.001-06:00

It is funny how a reputation is created. At a recent baby shower I attended a word came up in reference to myself that echoed something I used to hear a lot. The word was APPROVAL. I am sure it came about because of a misunderstanding about media choices, particularly movies. The phrase from my youth that followed me around by my brother's friends, who teased like...boys will... was, "Kara doesn't approve."

To create a full picture for anyone who wants to understand me more fully, I'd like to go back to when I was twelve, or even eight.

In our church at age eight we are baptized and covenant to follow Jesus Christ. We are also given the gift of the Holy Ghost. The Holy Ghost can comfort us, help us discern between right and wrong, reveal to us things we should do in our lives, and of course bears witness of Jesus Christ to our souls and to the world. I understood this at age eight. I wanted to give all my life to my Savior as a child, and that is when I first promised to, no matter how many mistakes I have made along the way...

In our church there is also something called a Patriarchal Blessing. It is given by a Patriarch who holds the Priesthood of God and is an individual revelation from Heavenly Father to help guide our lives. There are several elements that can be found in most Patriarchal Blessings. One is what Tribe of Israel you belong to. One is your personal strengths and opportunities you may have in life. One is a warning which highlights a weakness you may have and a way to avoid being trapped by it.

By age twelve the Holy Ghost was prompting me to ask to receive my Patriarchal Blessing and I did and it was granted.

It was very short and clear.

Since this post is about being understood, here is the main warning I received in my Patriarchal Blessing.

"Be aware always that the ways of the Adversary is strong in the world today and be selective of the things you see, the things you hear, and the things you do. Keep your mind unpolluted and clean and the blessings of the Lord will be yours to enjoy always."

I began to exercise the power of discernment to choose to try to follow this counsel and since I was sure of the decisions I made for myself, probably offended a few people in the process. Learning to follow the guidance of the Holy Ghost is a lifetime process, but is entirely necessary. I think that as I have grown older, I have stopped advocating a universal answer for everyone for the decisions the Holy Ghost has prompted for me, but have tried to emphasize the importance of personally finding the answers for oneself. This means asking the questions and discerning and making choices and not just following the crowd or public opinion.

One of the topics that comes up regularly is Harry Potter. At one point, reading the books I had a strong sense of real evil. I put down the book I was reading and haven't picked one up since, nor the movies. Sometimes I have tried to passionately debate the different points of error I find in the book, but it really boils down to that one moment of decision for me. Of course I am going to tell my children of the experience I had, and my husband knows how I feel, but I do not control whether they will read or watch them, nor hold it against anyone who does, except to wonder why I had that feeling and others don't.

Another moment of decision that is revisited almost every time I am invited to a girls night out is the choice I made not to watch PG-13 movies. How can I tell other women/people that I love them and love social events, but that I have made that decision that they have not made? I usually skirt the issue, but sometimes try to open up a conversation about media choices, how what we choose to put into our brains will come out in thought, word or behavior eventually. That you are what you "eat", so I only want to "eat" the good stuff.

The decision to not watch PG-13 movies happened in college when I had roommates who watched movies regularly. It was really a decision of self preservation, and I have only broken it once from being deceived and once from being persuaded to watch a PG-13 movie. Living with other people in an apartment meant that I saw some of the the things they watched, sometimes you just get sucked into things. Some were PG-13, and some I learned afterwards were R. In our church we are counseled not to watch R rated movies at all! As a result of putting this stuff in my brain, I found my mind going places that it shouldn't have been, and getting myself into trouble, and really understanding how much of a weakness I have for the influence of the media in my thoughts. During the process of repentance, I had the prompting that I would be safer if I didn't watch PG-13 movies either, since the difference between PG and PG-13 is usually pretty obvious.

It was a good thing for me, and saved me several times during the whole dating experience.

I completely believe that the Holy Ghost can give us individual promptings that will keep ourselves, and as we have stewardship over our children, keep our families safe.

I believe that each person is responsible to find the answers for themselves.

How can I change the conversation to encourage personal revelation, discerning, choosing, acting, loving?

How can I do this without offending?

Something I do right

2011-09-02T10:27:00.003-06:00

I've said it before, one of the great pleasures I have as a mother is choosing books for my children to read. I consider it part of creating their brains and thoughts about the world. Of course they can choose their own books too when they go to the library or at school. If I have a chance, I like to preview the books to make sure they are well written and age appropriate. When they are younger I read to/with them just about every day. It is part of our normal routine before nap time. Baby J. gets his in the morning, but he would rather spend twenty minutes playing ball, so reading time is more like five minutes. A. would listen about thirty minutes at this age, and L would have me keep reading forever. Anyway back to A who is nine now. I had a chance to read a book with her called Adam of the Road, it made me crave some Respighi, "Ancient Airs and Dances" to go along with the medieval theme. Since we didn't already have it in our library, I fussed over finding a light "period" version. I didn't find one, but thought something was better than nothing. That is when I realized something that my parents did right too. We had music playing all the time in our home. Mom had a great collection of records and would let us choose from them throughout the day. Sometimes I would choose something and listen to it loudly fifteen times in a row. My parents were very tolerant of this, though I remember occasionally my siblings weren't too happy wake up this way first thing on a Sunday morning, sometimes they were happy and went along with the joy of it. Looking over i-tunes, our classical music collection is rather slim. I don't have the radio on much here, so I started thinking of other music I really loved. I was aghast to find that we didn't have Ma Vlast by Smetana, the Moldau, which is a quintessentially fall/September piece for me. I can't believe my children have lived this many years without hearing it! That was remedied this morning, though it was probably a little too loudly played during the out-the-door rush.

I like to remember.

2011-09-01T09:21:00.005-06:00

It is amazing how a word can bring back so many memories. The word this time was Lillian, I "heard" it as Lilienthal, so I had to pull up this old painting that I made for my wall in college. It is how I feel about this world. It was amazing, though it is such a simple painting, to feel the symbolism of each element I put in again so strongly and realize I am the same inside. Of course it is myself in the painting not Otto, but I just found his dying quote after breaking his spine on a test flight of one of his gliders. It is so profound.

‎"Kleine Opfer müssen gebracht warden!"

Of course then I started thinking about the other pictures I kept on my wall for four years. When I went away to school I asked my younger siblings to make some pictures for me. My older brother was already on a mission, so painting pictures wasn't on his to do list, though he is the best older brother anyone could hope for.

I love to look at them again and remember how we were, how we have changed, and how we are the same.

I'm in the Garden

2011-08-24T22:59:00.001-06:00

Those were the very words my son used when I called him,asking where he was.
I will never forget how exactly his singsong voice matched the one from my memory of the musical, The Secret Garden.
My garden is wild now. I enjoy it that way. The squashes and beans and melons all growing through each other. The radishes and lettuces, basil and cilantro gone to seed. The tomatoes and cucumbers over my head woven together. The random placing of sunflowers and other things. The weeds are not part of the frame because I do pull them, except for the purslane and the plant we used to eat as children calling it watercress, though I don't really know what it is. I love harvesting and sharing with the neighbors the bounty of it. I love letting my children have time outside feeling the dirt and the sun. I love how the picture I had in my mind when I made the beds and planted three times and fussed over the spring, came out just fine. I love that another family shared in the care and harvest, though I wish they were over more to share the joy of it.
Today I spent some time with a new tree pruner, it was more fun than going to a movie.
Even more delightful was discovering that one of my heart friends here bought the same pruner this week and had the same idea.
I love being connected that way, in random things.

An imperfect Hero

2011-08-24T18:45:00.003-06:00

I wanted my heroes to be perfect. Imagine my teenage concious disappointment in my personal research into the life of Robert Frost and discovering his humanity.

Yet his words have been perfectly haunting my mind for the last several months, matching my own experience with this thing called human life.

Choose Something Like a Star

by Robert Frost - 1947

O Star (the fairest one in sight),
We grant your loftiness the right
To some obscurity of cloud --
It will not do to say of night,
Since dark is what brings out your light.
Some mystery becomes the proud.
But to be wholly taciturn
In your reserve is not allowed.

Say something to us we can learn
By heart and when alone repeat.
Say something! And it says "I burn."
But say with what degree of heat.
Talk Fahrenheit, talk Centigrade.
Use language we can comprehend.
Tell us what elements you blend.

It gives us strangely little aid,
But does tell something in the end.
And steadfast as Keats' Eremite,
Not even stooping from its sphere,
It asks a little of us here.
It asks of us a certain height,
So when at times the mob is swayed
To carry praise or blame too far,
We may choose something like a star
To stay our minds on and be staid.

(I love the song version best that my sister was part of as a child)

1. The Pasture


I’M going out to clean the pasture spring;
I’ll only stop to rake the leaves away
(And wait to watch the water clear, I may):
I sha’n’t be gone long.—You come too.

I’m going out to fetch the little calf	5
That’s standing by the mother. It’s so young,
It totters when she licks it with her tongue.
I sha’n’t be gone long.—You come too.
(This is simply romantic, and makes me cry, also has been put to music, we have Richard Zielinski Singers-American Voices version)

29. A Line-storm Song


THE LINE-STORM clouds fly tattered and swift,
The road is forlorn all day,
Where a myriad snowy quartz stones lift,
And the hoof-prints vanish away.
The roadside flowers, too wet for the bee,	5
Expend their bloom in vain.
Come over the hills and far with me,
And be my love in the rain.

The birds have less to say for themselves
In the wood-world’s torn despair	10
Than now these numberless years the elves,
Although they are no less there:
All song of the woods is crushed like some
Wild, easily shattered rose.
Come, be my love in the wet woods; come,	15
Where the boughs rain when it blows.

There is the gale to urge behind
And bruit our singing down,
And the shallow waters aflutter with wind
From which to gather your gown.	20
What matter if we go clear to the west,
And come not through dry-shod?
For wilding brooch shall wet your breast
The rain-fresh goldenrod.

Oh, never this whelming east wind swells	25
But it seems like the sea’s return
To the ancient lands where it left the shells
Before the age of the fern;
And it seems like the time when after doubt
Our love came back amain.	30
Oh, come forth into the storm and rout
And be my love in the rain. (I remember reciting this poem to Lor when we were dating, little did I know that the storm is really life. I do love the rain)

Collective Consciousness

2011-08-12T09:43:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I wonder how connected we are as a humans.

Like we are all one protezoian life form.

Is it a coincidence that there are outbursts of rage/frustration/stress across the world, when similar events happened in my personal life at the same time?

David Brooks, my favorite opinion leader, often notes social behavior articles on his blog. One was about how fluctuations in the stock market followed the emotions expressed on Facebook or twitter.

Of course I believe in individual responsibility to the stresses in life. We are each accountable with how we act no matter how we are acted upon. I also think there is a lot more that we don't understand of how our thoughts affect the other humans around us.

I also believe that Someone does understand all of it, and that helps tremendously.

Friendship

2011-08-09T11:40:00.004-06:00

Oh, the comfort —
the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person —
having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words,
but pouring them all right out,
just as they are,
chaff and grain together;
certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them,
keep what is worth keeping,
and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.

Dinah Craik

This was my Grandmother's favorite poem, back when I asked her when I was in the seventh grade.

To me it is a perfect description of the Sister's Weekend I just had with my sister-in-laws on my husband's side of the family.

Though I must have added enough chaff, I felt like we had mutual love and respect and real friendship, and the things we will remember are the things worth keeping.

I will always love remembering Wendy's laughter, Britnee's expressiveness, Kristi's conversations, and Lisa's optimism and activity. We missed the two sister-in-laws who weren't there, but I am so glad for this weekend. It was delightful to see the newly wed sister-in-laws and how in love they were with their husbands. I want to regain some of that happiness.

I will always remember the ocean and kayaking.

I think this is something that I could be addicted to. I can't wait to go out on the ocean with Lor.

On our kayak trip, our guide started telling us about Richard Henry Dana, for whom Dana point was named. That woke up my brain because I have a poem memorized from a Richard Henry Dana. Doing a little research on the drive home I found that the Richard Henry Dana had a father and a son by the same name, and it was probably the father who wrote the poem, though it could have been his son, who married the daughter of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. From Wikipedia, the Dana point Richard "enrolled in a private school overseen by Ralph Waldo Emerson, whom Dana later mildly praised as "a very pleasant instructor", though he lacked a "system or discipline enough to insure regular and vigorous study."^[4]"

^{This was a liberating thought, Ralph Waldo Emerson had the same kind of nature that I have.}

I am determined to make more of a schedule for our home life and took copious mental notes on how my sister-in-laws manage their lives and work and families. It will be better and it will take the work load off of my shoulders eventually so that I have time to do other things like... play with my children, and sleep.

WHENCE come ye, Cherubs? from the moon?
Or from a shining star?
Ye sure are sent, a blessed boon,
From kinder worlds afar;
For, while I look, my heart is all delight:	5
Earth has no creatures half so pure and bright.

From moon nor star we hither flew;
The moon doth wane away,—
The stars they pale at morning dew;
We ’re children of the day;	10
Nor change, nor night, was ever ours to bear;
Eternal light, and love, and joy, we share.

Then, sons of light, from Heaven above
Some blessed news ye bring.
Come ye to chant eternal love	15
And tell how angels sing,
And in your breathing, conscious forms to show
How purer forms above live, breathe, and glow?

Our parent is a human mind;
His winged thoughts are we;	20
To sun nor stars are we confined:
We pierce the deepest sea.
Moved by a brother’s call, our Father bade
Us light on earth, and here our flight is stayed.

Waves

2011-08-04T17:09:00.002-06:00

Thank you for your prayers.

I have felt prayers like waves into my life and restoring my soul.

It almost feels like my cells are coming back a little at a time and have been surprised to find myself smiling at my children or laughing at a joke or humming a song. It feels so good, and I hope that it means that it is the end of that horrible time, but if it does come back some time in the future I will know what to do.

I can't describe how pulverized I felt by our emotional family counsel, but as I think back on it I see that this will be better for all of us that it happened.

Retrospectively I think that a lot of the pain expressed had to do with issues from our childhood, and was directed at me because of timing of things.

It has opened the door for better communication on a lot of things. Who would guess that at age 35 I would learn that my Mother suffered from post-partum depression after each of her six children were born!

I think we all expressed how important it is to work through these emotions and behavioral issues because ultimately we want to become an eternal family, and we sure can't become eternal in ignorance.

I have been for my mental evaluation and have a prescription for mild depression to: exercise daily, go on a long walk once or twice a week with a good friend to talk, and make sure I get enough sleep at night.

I am looking forward to learning how to be a better parent and friend through counseling, classes or feedback.

I really do want to be a good mother, and live without offending people.

I feel incredibly grateful to my husband for expressing just the right words and giving me time to cry when I was feeling like I was hopeless.

I am also glad that he reminds me how much my parents love and did their very best.

Thank you also for your kind words, for visits, and most of all for praying.

It makes a difference.

The way it is

2011-08-01T11:08:00.001-06:00

Just for my dearest friends who check up on me here...
I had a miscarriage right before the family reunion when I wrote the clinging blog post.
It was a very difficult time for me. I tasted anger like I have never felt it before, and repented sorely over it. I realized then that who we think we are can change because as humans we are all capable of great good and great evil. We are constantly becoming.

This morning seems to compare with one other time in my life when I was completely ... I kind of feel like a slab of bacon exposed to the radiation of the entire universe.
I made it through that time Retrospectively with prayers from friends my stake president, and from my family who " loved me ", what I mean is knowing them I suppose they were praying, though I felt completely alone except for God, who has never abandoned me.
My brothers and sisters, sister- in -laws, and parents took it upon them in the last couple days, culminating in a passionate Skype call last night call to convince me that I am mentally ill, and of my errors in parenting, communication style, discipline, and revealed years of harbored offenses that I have unknowingly committed.

I agreed to a mental evaluation with a promise that they all will undergo the same procedure.

Meanwhile I do see valid things that need to be changed, and hope that if anyone else out there has some hurtful offense that I have committed that they will just get it out right now, so we can move on towards being perfected. I hope I have not created a new offense by writing this, but I felt it was necessary to assure my dear friends who were not part of the conversation.

Meanwhile, my kids need me to come and take care of them, and I think have come to the conclusion that I should not bring any more children into this world.

It is good to be reminded

2011-07-26T19:24:00.002-06:00

For the last week we have been in Utah visiting my brothers and sisters and my parents.

It has been a very nurturing visit for my heart.

Yesterday my dad took us three sisters to see 17 miracles on a daddy daughters date. It was pretty much a perfect thing to do.
It made me want to work hard, be courageous, and not complain about life.

So many times I have felt that these homes we are visiting are heaven on earth.

Just this morning, I walked in on my sister-in-law, accompanying/ training three teenage girls, including my niece, in the most glorious music. The spirit was so strong in their home. I wish I could record in and keep it in my memory. I'll have to wait until I get home to retrieve the pictures from my camera, but I wanted to remember by writing it down. I stayed out of view to not disturb what she was trying to create, but I overheard her counseling the girls," Pray about this because you become Heavenly Father's tools." If they only knew how amazing a moment they were living in.

The idea of creating a home has sometimes been called the American dream. In fact as I was driving the miles out from California, I had the thought that the American dream is dead. Living in a place where home values have dropped over fifty percent, people are squished together without much "pride in ownership" and almost everyone hires a "gardener", you can understand how I felt that way.

Imagine my delight as I saw consistencies in my siblings approach to life. The three that own homes have gone through a similar process of taking a home that was in desperate need of repair, worked, fixed, sanded, painted, replaced, repaired, and created beautiful dwellings.
Here are some other components of the dream my two brothers have created.
They each have five happy kids, a big yard with playhouses, swing sets, sandboxes, trampolines, water toys, bikes, a vegetable garden, and pets( one family has three dogs and two cats and the other has three chickens( I especially like the chickens))
They each do all the yard work themselves and find time to serve their neighbors. Each of my brothers married women who are incredibly disciplined. I have observed each of them in their daily routine, and they guide their children through chore time, music time, and school time( themselves as the

teacher) this in addition to family meals, naps, and all the laundry, dishes, and cleanup required for such a big family. My brothers are involved too, working and doing what needs to be done around the house, earning an income, and still have hours and hours to spend with their children and grill dinner outside once in a while. Each home has music.
It is so good.

The old ways

2011-07-16T16:59:00.007-06:00

The family reunion...it has been hard to find words to describe...all I could wish for is more time and to love better. There were so many people, and not enough time. The ghost of memory visited the incredibly beautiful sites with us. My thoughts were more on the ones who weren't there than the new eyes. I hope for future pleasures and enjoyment of both beauty and persons.

Road trips are delightful times for reading out loud. E. Nesbit's Book of Dragons was A's birthday present, and it had full use.

Grandma P. (not-pictured) you can't really capture the softness of her hug or the intensity of her spirit as she speaks her dying farewell words, "You take good care of your family."

M. "I am doing the best I can." and crying

Grandma P."You are doing just fine."

Then a drive and visit to Grandma W.

Mom told us after a brief early visit with all of the grandchildren before the family reunion for my Dad's side that cancer had been found in several places in her body. At ninety years old, she is as bright and physically capable as ...there is really no comparison. She would never let on that she was dying. We had lunch and visited a dinosaur I played on as a child and then ice cream and then said good bye. We could have stayed forever, but we had to go at some time. She promised that when she is ready to move in with us she will let us know.

Inside and Out

2011-07-03T00:05:00.000-06:00

At a family reunion.
Just when I need all the lovingness I can exude, when patience and happiness should be habitual, when I want to embrace and befriend and re unite with family, when it is so important for my children and husband to make good memories, I fail.
Then another moment I am weeping over the awesome beauty if this place.
Inside my emotions are out if control, I am clinging to a cliff. I have hurt the ones I love and shocked total strangers.
If there is anyone who needs the master healer it is me. How could I not feel sympathetic understanding for anyone else in whatever human experience they may be going through? How can I ever explain that I know I am not perfect, that I am always trying to repent, that sometimes I feel ...like the world would be better off without my errors...but that is not an option...only forgiveness, trying again, living the life you have, and loving.

She's ARS

2011-06-29T01:20:00.007-06:00

Birthdays come but once a year, but you can celebrate them early if needed. (Though it is rather confusing to a four year old brother who thinks he needs a birthday between all of her "early birthday presents".) Here is a sweet Fairy Tea party (for the girls) plus swim party (for girls and boys) that included three boxes of cake mix cupcakes frosted blue and slushies enough for anyone who was at the pool. Here is my ultra-competative daughter in mismatched sun safe swimwear in a splash competition. She won 7/10 times while I was watching even if "it hurt a little".

The clear air of the day.

2011-06-28T23:44:00.003-06:00

Observe this photo carefully. Or this one

What do you see?

I see total equality.

Don't you love it!

How many other careers/fields/jobs have a glass ceiling because of inequalities of dress?

Lets face it, nothing competes with a tailored suit.

Perhaps this is one reason I chose Mechanical Engineering with an Aerospace Emphasis for my undergraduate degree/identity it is part of my fight for respect.

I hate to sound communist in my claim that a jumpsuit is the ideal uniform, but a woman doesn't really have a chance at true equality in the workplace world where there is a constant reminder of her sexuality and childbearing-ability.

I don't think you can really hide the beauty of women because women are beautiful in every shape they come in. It is pretty amazing really. As I have written in previous (and deleted because offensive) posts (and I will probably have to delete this one when I wake up tomorrow morning and am feeling a little more sensitive to other's feelings than right now when I am just full of my own thoughts) you can't hide the fact that you are a woman, but the choice of what to wear, how to gain respect without attracting "attention" and manage the world of dress and make up is difficult.

When Sarah Palin walked out in her red pumps and showing her legs, she lost any chance she had before she opened her mouth. I would venture to say that no woman, however articulate, qualified, intelligent will ever be President of the US...yes, I am sorry for it....I live in California ...Meg....sigh.

It really isn't a glass ceiling at all that is holding women back.

What is at the opposite end of the ladder? What is an idea that embodies the converse idea?

A sandy foundation? ... that is exactly what I would call the fashion industry and popular media with reference to creating a favorable work place for women.

In addition to providing the clothes and "images" it also sways they way people think about each other in the work place.

Ahh, if only things could be like the camaraderie I felt when we graduated from the University.

One of my goals in school was to have business professional relationships with my fellow classmates and to love them all like brothers (the boys anyway, the girls were supportive and tight knit and awesome) Some of the guys made it difficult for crushes and some for abrasiveness, but I can honestly say I succeeded in that goal.

I will watch the final launch over the internet wishing that I were there to see something that I have always been in awe over, and dreaming, and remembering, and crying...you come too.

Just give me a chance.

2011-06-26T19:07:00.003-06:00

It has been an interesting week...You know... Life.

Still the undercurrents of thought have made me think of the Prophet Joseph Smith.

Somehow despite everything that has been going on this week my heart has been full of testimony.

I have wanted someone to ask me if I believe the story is true, that Joseph saw God the Father and his Son Jesus Christ ...and all the rest.

I wanted to have the chance to say, "Yes! It is true!"

There are many pleasures in parenthood. When our children learn something from our efforts or surprise us by learning something good from another person we are so happy.

We are so pleased when our children learn about Jesus, about God.

One of the sweetest things is to see a child in innocence, sing a song about about God and His Love. It is just the beginning of the knowledge they will gain throughout their lives about how vital that love is.

One of the pleasures I look forward to is seeing my children grow in testimony.

I want them to know that God did not leave us, the whole of humanity, to wander not knowing who we are or what we are supposed to be doing on earth, but that the Good Shepherd planned for His children to know about Him, to bring them into His rest and peace. We do not need to wonder what God's laws are, what He thinks about "issues" or how the words from ancient scripture might apply to our "modern" world. We do not need to reinterpret for every "new" question. He provided for us Prophets, priesthood, and personal revelation.

It makes perfect sense to me that the restoration of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and communication of God to Prophets occurred in a time and place that in its growth and the development of technology would allow the message to spread to prepare the world for the Millennium.

Safeguarding Superman

2011-06-19T23:47:00.002-06:00

"The problem with men of steel is that there's never one around when you want one."
I have been known to make similarly foolish angry statements based on the incomplete knowledge of the facts or just plain crazy emotions just at the time I should have suspected that he was working for my good or the good of our family or the world.
The man who really cares for me just listens and apologizes.

Then there are days like today when I hear about something my husband has done as Bishop that has created a change or a difference in someone's life and I am so glad. I have found out that, though I thought my role was just to love people he does a lot of that too.

I feel like I want to protect him, this excellent specimen of manhood, but there is nothing I can do really. I can't choose his nourishment beyond having meals ready. I can't persuade him to not work so hard. I can't change the demands of his employ, of meetings, of church responsibilities and time commitments, or the personal compelling drive he has to do more after a day of taking care of the other things. I can only go along with it and challenge myself to make more goals, follow through with old ones, and be kinder to my children and more compassionate in my words and actions towards humanity as he is.

Last week he fell asleep right after dinner instead of going out for church visits. He had been "burning both ends of the candle" and was fighting some kind of illness at the same time. It was earlier that same day that I had come to the conclusion that it didn't help for me to be angry at him for doing too much because he would not put aside the call to labor. I realized that I just needed to labor alongside him in my mind and sphere and trust that the days he comes home gray he will be renewed for the next day.

What she wanted

2011-06-11T06:04:00.005-06:00

Our son had preschool graduation last night. Right now I am feeling like there isn't a better specimen of childhood innocence and delight than my son... though I am guessing there are a few other parents who feel that way about their own offspring at preschool graduation.

As he sang and performed his part you could see the devotion he has to his preschool teacher. Whenever she gave a prompt he responded immediately. His face was shining with happiness (A concept and conversation incidentally that we had that same evening as he was going to bed...don't you love philosophical discussions with four year olds... )

When I complimented him immediately after the performance he said, "I sang loud, that is what she wanted."

What a perfect description of his own ardor. I am so grateful for his sweet teacher and all she has taught this year. She did a professional job and it has made such a difference in his life.

I was ready to give him anything that he wanted, a cupcake and a brownie and lemonade, and the hardest of all for me... backing off from supervisory mode to let him play soccer with the other kiddies for a while without me hovering. I just wanted to gaze in wonder at him and let the rest of the world be.

I only hope that as he moves through the public education system that he will have teachers who will help him become everything his little mind and heart wishes...without too much damage.

A Deeper Experience

2011-06-05T22:02:00.007-06:00

We took a mini-vacation to Monterey to see the Aquarium. It was a delightful experience, made more so by a little preparation. We have a book of poetry called. Hotel Deep, by Kurt Cyrus that we found in the library years ago and then purchased. It is one of our favorites to read aloud. On our aquarium trip, our visual delight was enhanced by the fun it was to say a bit of a verse and have the children know what I was saying and then add a bit from their own memory.

How do you do? Who do you eat? ....All the spiny lobsters trust the guy behind because they must.....Sardines sardines sardines....

It makes me wonder what else in life would be a more lovely experience with a little poetry floating around in the brain.

I am so glad we went, it is a very child friendly museum (in the morning) It is amazing how much we want to touch and be a part of the natural world. I don't know if the other creatures feel the same way, but I was glad for the tanks with rays, and the trays with sea stars, sea cucumbers, and sea urchins.

Linc and I had a fall-in-love experience with a little brown sea horse with white flecks. Linc and I were nose to nose with it and talking to it and about it for about ten minutes I think....it really did want to be friends, and didn't want to tango with the other shy sea horse that kept sitting on its head. It was hard for both of us to leave. Linc had tears in his eyes and I had to do a bit of backtrack story telling to try to loosen the bonds of friendship we had so recently formed so that we could move along to the next exhibit.

I perused several items in the gift shop including books, but felt like there wasn't anything better than what we already had....I still wish we could find something that could help us remember that moment with the little sea horse....

Squeezing the most out of life.

2011-06-01T09:10:00.003-06:00

We try to get a little family time in with all of the other things that are going on.

After the church Memorial day breakfast, we drove out to Pt Reyes.

I am glad that after the morning where Ari had a huge goose egg bump from rock climbing on the playground that she was able to go up and down the stairs without trouble.

I was looking at some pictures of my childhood and thinking, when you are a child, your family is your whole world....then realizing how much I enjoy time with my family I have to conclude that when you are an adult the same is true.

My Own Story

2011-05-18T09:11:00.003-06:00

I remember reading books as a younger person and wondering why the authors didn't spend more time describing the happy years, the brilliant moments, times of peace and joy and beauty. Most books are about a journey, a war, or a struggle.

I realize that I am compelled to write when my own story contains a struggle, but the blissful times I am content to enjoy tacitly.

For example, this year has been a year of best days. I have had the best New Year Eve celebration, the best Birthday/Valentines day, the best Wedding Anniversary, the best Mothers Day... in my memory. Each has been perfect in their own way, and given me happiness, pleasure, and contentment. There really aren't words that I know that would be able to convey the description.

Even the evening of anguish from my former post was preceded by one of those Sundays when the Spirit is on Fire and you feel like shouting "Hallelujah, the Gospel is true, this is why I am member of this church!" Why didn't I write about it as it was happening? Doesn't it give more efficacy to words to write them as you are living it?

If I had described other parts of Monday, I think it would have given delight and hope. (Though I am grateful for the loving sympathy during my ouch moments.)

That morning, we all awoke with songs in our head, so I went downstairs and we sang them all with me bashing them out on the piano. Then we went upstairs and sung Joseph awake with "I have a Family Here on Earth" and had family prayer. So sweet and perfect.

I was able to walk/jog my son to preschool along tree lined sidewalks and even by a field of cows. The day was beautiful. (Even though I was conflicted inside myself.) When Lor came home from work in the evening, we had dinner and Family Home Evening full of other lovely moments and forgiveness.

Yesterday some friends came over for lunch and the kiddies played, and we talked, and then went fabric shopping....later in the day we had some other friends over and the girls played a game while we put together a costume. I guess I need to find more words to describe the good in life as I narrate my story.

I suppose the wisdom of it is contained as we were talking about my sister who is on a musical trip to China. Even though I want to see what she is doing and how she is enjoying it and feeling, Lor said "I hope she doesn't spend her time while she is there posting to facebook, she needs to just spend her time experiencing, exploring, and enjoying as much as she can."

On the other hand, will she remember it if she doesn't write it?

Why do some tears hurt?

2011-05-16T23:55:00.001-06:00

I love it when there is a song that matches a moment in life.
After some stinging tears this one came to mind.

1. Father, cheer our souls tonight;
Lift our burdens, make them light.
Let thine all-pervading love
Shine upon us from above.
2. Calm the surges of the soul;
Bid the dark waves backward roll.
Let us all thy mercies feel
Thru the pow'r thou dost reveal.
3. Bless our loved ones far away;
Grant them health and peace, we pray.
In their hearts let holy light
Beam to guide their steps aright.
4. Let implicit faith and trust
Help us know thy ways are just.
May thine ever-tender love
Lead our hearts to thee above.

Text: Ellis Reynolds Shipp, 1847–1939
Music: Orlando Gibbons, 1583–1625,

Happy? I thought we were beyond that.

2011-05-02T12:21:00.001-06:00

I read a friend's Facebook response to the death of Osama Bin Laden saying that America was "happy" now. The footage last night from DC in front of the white house of people cheering and dancing seems to support that assessment.
For me it was almost as strange and as unbelievable as watching on screen the fall of the twin towers. I had thought we were a little more civilized than that.
I have done an awful lot of excusing, tolerating, giving credit as I have watched and read new coverage of other nations in revolution, in war, or being....liberated. Tales of mob violence, rage, burnings, beatings, I have reminded myself to not judge them too harshly because our country has had similar times of violence and instability in our history. Scenes of men shouting and dancing in happiness over one change or another, we have seen over and over because...the world has been changing a lot lately.
In one way I can see that perhaps it is just "too much feeling" and not knowing how to deal with it. I site from my limited experience, the moment Lor was called to duty for the war in Iraq. The implications for our lives were enormous, the prospects frightening, the separation from him dreadful, but all I could do was smile. My emotions and ability to express them were all messed up.
Seeing this similar mob dance and flag waving made me question why these people decided to express their emotions this way. The answer seemed to me that it is not a genuine or original or accurate depiction of how America feels, but that it may be a product of the very saturation of such images that we have ingested. So where did it begin? Were our Arab neighbors subject to an inundation of these images that made them react this way when the changes occurred in their countries? Is it just the collective energy of a mob that someone begins and others follow? Where does it lead, this " too much feeling"?

Reading other friends comments that bring political upsurgency of emotion tying in the success or failure, the good or bad of one president or another to this event, makes me doubt the truth of their emotions as well because their statements follow whichever news or media choice they decide to listen to.

Here is a statement that begs rebuttal: What we accept as success or failure, good or bad has a large portion to do with the media we are exposed to.

Bon Anniversaire

2011-04-30T06:41:00.007-06:00

Considering all factors, it was a perfect day. Ari made us breakfast in bed, and then we went downstairs to sing happy birthday to Joseph since Saturday was going to be too busy. Joseph's birthday cake was frosted cheerios because he doesn't eat much else yet besides mommy and crunchy foods. Anything sticky or mashy he gags on.

Lor took the day off work, but he still had to go into work. I didn't know how things would go, so I decided to get my hiking in by walking Linc home from preschool. When we arrived back from the ~4mile walk, there he was ready to celebrate. We decided to take Ari out of school for the rest of the day and make it a family day. After all our children are glad we are still married I am sure. The original plan was to take a few hikes in Muir woods that we haven't explored yet and go to a fancy restaurant for dinner. I was exhausted and was glad for the slower pace the children added. We picked up some sandwiches from Togos and ate them on a nice warm man made rock on the Muir Beach overlook( I even tasted a little bit of the pepper jack sandwich(I haven't been able to taste anything for a few days because of a bad cold)). Then we went to the beach and enjoyed time with the children. There was a guitarist singing his heart out on a bench, and though we couldn't hear for the wind if I know anything about music and singing out in nature, our family entered his song. Leaving the Beach we paused to listen to a bagpipe player outside an English Inn who was playing to commemorate the Royal Wedding today. Delightful! Then we went to Japan Town for some crepe ice cream treats that Lor has always wanted to try. Someone was singing traditional Japanese music there too. It was a soulful kind of day, and I loved it. Then Lor drove home while I tried to sleep off a sinus headache.

A Bonsai Experiment

2011-04-15T09:44:00.002-06:00

Last week a culmination of negative thinking about my ability to choose well and create a respectable appearance/dress/make up came to fruition as a friend volunteered her expertise to create a "New Look" for me. She has spent years coaching people with health and fitness, and make up. She has been giving me feedback for months about how my clothes are too baggy, that how I act and dress will show other women how to dress and conduct themselves, and that any feelings of inadequacy, shyness or depression, my daughter will pick up on and adapt into her own way of dealing with males and the world. I was glad for her frankness, especially because as women we seldom give the kind of feedback to one another that helps.

The week began with another friend giving me a makeover. Looking in the mirror afterwards, I did not like what I saw. I looked like a doll. Later that day friend number one gave me a another makeover. I have learned things about applying eye liner, eye shadow, and foundation that I never knew before. I think I have enough knowledge to start a new look, though I am slow to change.

Another day we went shopping. (P.S. Lor was gone this week on business)

What an emotional journey it was for me. I think I was literally shaking with anxiety in the dressing room, I was so far out of my comfort zone.

Besides the fact that I don't like shopping or spending money, there were things that I wouldn't have chosen for myself. After all I spend a lot of time gardening, walking, and taking care of children so my clothes have to fit that kind of work. I felt like a Bonsai tree being bent and twisted inside to create a look outside that conforms to a standard of beauty.

Near the end of the trip, my baby deliberately grabbed my hair and pulled my head around to look him in the eye. He smiled at me and looked steadily in my eye. It was a look just like my husband gives me when he is trying to give me encouragement. He repeated this three times. It was like he was saying. Mom, don't worry, just be yourself, you are beautiful.

After coming home and thinking about it, I have concluded to try making some of my own clothes again, as that gives me joy in creation and happiness wearing what I have made. I am going to try to create a look that show who I am, an artist, a scientist, and a mother.

Sync-a Mother's lens

2011-04-08T13:57:00.014-06:00

I wonder how lonely that word was before camera phones were invented.

Here is a little glimpse of what I have been seeing for the last month.

First view of my daughter and husband coming home from Hong Kong trip. They took mass transit to save us some hours on the road, so we picked them up at the train station.

Our family isn't huge into souvenirs, but we were happy to have a suitcase of snacks and treats to share and taste. Our daughter had a little tea party with our son in the gazebo.

After church there is always a lot of physical energy to use up. I am glad for the swing set and that there is room in our yard for one. Most yards in this area are too small for a swing this big.

Here is baby trying something new.

Grandma and Grandpa vist, and we go to the Train Museum.

The zoo and a birthday party with friends.

Getting lost in our new van with my jailbroken i-phone

that my husband will re-jail break some time soon so I can navigate again. I am always happy when I get lost in a wistfully lovely neighborhood with older well kept homes.

Dog/Puppy sitting for five days.

Lots of long walks. Learning calm assertiveness is a mental battle the whole way. Defining space. Haven't mastered the no bark command, making progress on leading while walking, kids like to play.

Man vs Nature

2011-03-24T21:24:00.007-06:00

First, I want to say that my heart goes out to the people of Japan. Our emotions have been wrenched as we see and imagine the plight they are going through.

I am glad for facebook for our friends sharing photos, and I wanted to share this bit, but didn't want to be insensitive by finding humor in our little struggles.

I also don't want to ignore the man vs man or less documented trials going on in this world that are severe and terrible. I can't find the words.

Just a week before their tragedies, I was walking through our suburban neighborhoods of mild seasons and manicured yards and thinking that we needed a little bit more man vs nature in our neighborhood. It is a good thing. There is the possibility of a flood and everyone has been a bit edgy watching the levees on the river, except for the people who don't think about it at all. I don't think there will be a major flood this year (I hope we are prepared...I think we are ready to help quite a few people and ourselves) but here is the small one in my garden this afternoon.

Oh! My Peas! Can you

see the line of them all the way to the edge of the photograph under water? I never knew why Princess presto uses that expletive, now I know.

I guess next year I will need to build up all the beds like the one the blueberry bushes are planted in....but then there are the ants....I think they already ate the lettuces seedlings, or could it have been the birds, or slugs?

Finding Myself

2011-02-24T13:49:00.003-07:00

In honor of my sister-in-law who wrote about some books she enjoys, I want to share one from the library that is delighting me right now.

Beatrix Potter-A life in Nature, by Linda Lear

Every time I open it I find myself.

I just read about Beatrix's delight in filling her garden with plants that were given her by all of her friends in the village, specifically mentioned were Japanese anemones...sigh.

I just spent the cool morning with my sons wandering around our local nursery looking for some favorite plants to put in our small yard and wishing for a permanent larger space and a home created like the one on page 211, "I never saw such a place for hide&seek, &funny cupboards & closets.....It is indeed a funny old house, it would amuse children very much, especially the farm yard part of it."

I think I love old permanent places.

Things that are made to be beautiful for forever.

I think Beatrix and I will be best friends someday.

ps. Noticing that the boys were taking a long nap I slipped outside to plant the lime thyme and silver thyme around the fake stepping stones to the pergola....I didn't find what I wanted at the nursery, but who hasn't dreamed of a thyme overgrown path? Then after checking on them again I decided to take the chance to move a few heavenly bamboo bushes with red fatally toxic berries from the area that I wanted to plant strawberries...coming inside I found both boys crying and the one who can talk telling me that he wanted "be where you can see me, " and to "find you at the computer."

Her Hardest Hue To Hold

2011-02-11T01:28:00.007-07:00

Before I became a mother I saw a picture of a little girl on a swing in a green and yellow dress. The dress was fluttering around her and the photo seemed to capture the beauty and innocence of childhood. I told myself then that when I had a little girl I would make her a dress like that. This week I was in the fabric store I saw some green fabric that reminded me of that picture and I emotionally purchased a quantity of it with the realization that my little girl was on the edge of becoming....that I have almost lost my chance to keep that promise.

As I cut the yellow taffeta for the lining, I was thinking of a poem by Robert Frost.

Natures first green is gold

Her hardest hue to hold

Her early leaf's a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

This is what it means to

me and why it is so symbolically captured in this dress. The idea of the poem is that as golden and beautiful as the beginning of something is, the greater beauty and purpose is to come. We were not meant to stay in dawn, no matter how lovely it is. We we're not meant to stay in Eden...though the poet doesn't soliloquize on the opposite of grief that only became available after ... Joy.

The buds of spring though lovely, is not the end of growing. We were not created to Stay, no matter how much a motherly feeling wants to keep the golden moments of childhood, we were meant to grow.

As the dress came together I realized that it was symbolically perfect, though not quite visually perfect. It was my intention for the green to cover the yellow, with little peaks of yellow underneath. It is all layered, but the green isn't strong enough to really make the sense of the dress green. Good thing my sweet daughter is so grateful and loving, she will wear the dress with happiness, though I shudder at the strange hue that is created by the combination. She must still be in her golden time.

It isn't like that

2011-01-30T05:49:00.004-07:00

I think I have erased and rewritten ~50% multiple times this post, and I am still not satisfied with it...perhaps blogging isn't the right format and I need to get out the ol journal and pen.

It seems like someone in my family has been sick since Thanksgiving. We have been through a bad cough Parapertussis, Pneumonia, RSV, bronchi__, and that is only what the baby was tested for...and a new tooth this morning. I have been a little more isolated from my support network of loving friends and my husband has been busy so I have a pile up of thoughts. I should have written earlier, but I will try to remember....

(we are all better now Feb7)

Even writing the list of sicknesses that we have been through makes me want to say " No you don't understand, it isn't like that." That is just the visible edge of explaining. Our catalog of doctor's visits is not the whole spectrum of our experience.

I have been amazed at how many times during the sick/caring time I have felt extra "help" from heaven. It was especially noticeable when my husband was sick, and the ward was praying for him to get better.

It is a curious and wonderful thing and I have been trying to figure it out by studying the topic, "ministrations of angels" in the scriptures. I am sure that we have had angels in our home and that it is related to prayer, prayers of family, friends, and church members. I am more sure because of the second witness of the times when I have been left alone... for example... taking care of sick babies and feeling surrounded by angels helping me keep my temper under control, manage things with little time from my parenting partner, when....I decide to watch a movie....and it has a bad part in it...and then when I turn it off to get dinner ready...my home feels empty...all the angel helpers were gone...so sad...then to make sure I understand how serious it is to keep my mind unpolluted....the blessing of being healthy while taking care of sick family is withdrawn and I get sick too....and I am left to mudge through my grumpy tempers alone, and repent....and try to return our home to a state of glowingness again....

Then after a time....I feel watched over and protected again...singing and music helps.

If there is a theme song that describes how I have felt during the first few months of my husband as Bishop, it is the Hymn, God Moves in a Mysterious Way

Sitting alone in church was one of the things I was afraid of. A Bishop sits in front of the congregation so he can look at everyone's faces...well except those who are in the blind spot behind the podium. Managing the children alone during church, or having them manage themselves while I am out with the baby gives a new meaning to parenting, trust, and...forgiveness ... from others in the congregations as it doesn't always go smoothly.

Yet, I feel the prayers of the people around me, and it is amazing how well the children do, and how calm I can remain, and even worship.

Because of illness I have missed church or Lor has missed and I never knew before how much strength we have from each other just being in the same place at the same time. Now the thought of being in the same room worshiping together and being able to make eye contact seems like the best blessing in the world.

I am starting to understand how much of a team effort a priesthood calling is.

I still would love to read the words of other wives who have gone through this, but since I am at the front of the wave of this technology revolution of information/journaling, I have to say Wow. We really depend on one another to make things work, and depend on God.

I know this is true for every couple, but it is vitally true for us now.

I think we both receive strength to do what we need to do, and the time we have together gives a new meaning to "Quality time". We don't have much time if you measured it in hours and minutes, but I have felt sustained, loved, and...just ok from the little time we have.

I think we say "Thank you" more, I know he does at least ;)

We don't always have time to talk, and there are a lot of things that he doesn't and shouldn't tell me, things he has in confidence from people. He is gone three weeknights a week, and most of the time I don't know where or who he is with, puts in a full Sunday, and then the extra activities....

We have one car and that gives us just a little bit more time to spend together, driving to and from places...one thing to be grateful for.

I am glad for technology, texting, instant messaging, e-mail, phone calls, I usually know when dinner is needed, how many minutes he has at home before leaving again, and when and how many friends are coming for dinner.

hmmm....time for dinner

My Mom is a Chinese Mother...

2011-01-11T17:43:00.004-07:00

Lor sent me this article today....( I started writing this Jan 11)

As I read the article I thought, Wow, that sounds like my Mom, except she had six children, so it is was a little diluted, and of course two of us were too stubborn to keep taking lessons and having a rigid practice schedule.

I think my daughter has a bit of Chinese in her too. She was utterly disappointed one evening that we were discussing goals that I was trying to reduce her lofty ambitions to something "more realistic". Another morning she broke into tears to find me in the lower bunk (our son had a bad dream and I was snuggling him), because she wanted to surprise me by being all ready for the day and going down and practicing piano.

One think I know for certain being prepared to play the piano, or make music is absolutely necessary. I think of the times I have been "rescued" or my heart has been changed, or my thoughts because of music. What an opportunity to prepare for....can you tell that it is one of my goals too to become more serviceable this way?

Practice Practice Practice

and not without results...I catch my son singing more these days....oh if only I can have a bit of Chinese in me too...I mean the self discipline to keep trying and not give into spending my time on other things that aren't as important.

For Myself and Kindred Too

2010-12-29T20:57:00.004-07:00

Just in case you are feeling tired...

I wanted to share a little encouragement with my family and friends, the same kind of encouragement I receive from playing this music.

I think a lot of times the music I make at home is....unprofessional, raw, emotional, and connects me with God and the Universe, but isn't really something that helps anyone but me....perhaps with the computer/feedback of being able to see and hear how I appear to others will help me to practice and improve so that I can help others to feel that connection too.

1. I have work enough to do,
Ere the sun goes down,
For myself and kindred too,
Ere the sun goes down:
Ev’ry idle whisper stilling
With a purpose firm and willing,
All my daily tasks fulfilling,
Ere the sun goes down.

2. I must speak the loving word,
Ere the sun goes down.
I must let my voice be heard,
Ere the sun goes down:
Ev’ry cry of pity heeding,
For the injured interceding,
To the light the lost ones leading,
Ere the sun goes down.

3. As I journey on my way,
Ere the sun goes down,
God’s commands I must obey,
Ere the sun goes down.
There are sins that need confessing;
There are wrongs that need redressing
If I would obtain the blessing,
Ere the sun goes down.

Text: Josephine Pollard, 1834–1892

Music: William J. Kirkpatrick, 1838–1921

Christmas Day

2010-12-25T12:12:00.003-07:00

Just a little post, so I can share a thank you without having to post the video on you-tube.

We spent the morning rather photo-less. I am always glad to be off camera, though I am happy to remember the children. So here is a note of observation that I was so pleased about. The children were so un-greedy, that it was all we could do to encourage them to put down one present and open the next. After I had mostly wrapped the gifts I had for the family, I thought we would be done opening presents in about ten minutes, but adding Daddy's contribution, Grandmothers and teachers, it was a lot longer.

I am happy that we have time today. It will just be us, due to whooping cough and pneumonia. I am looking forward to going on a nature walk with the family, playing games with the children, and doing some family history on ancestry.com. Yeah! Three new hints this morning.

Another note: a perfect trio of books. Linc, our skinny kid, has "Barn Dance!" by Bill Martin Jr. and John Archambault, Ari has "A Farm", featuring paintings by Carl Larsson and narrative about real farm life, and Lor gave me "The New Urbanism" toward and architecture of community. I definitely want to be a part of redesigning cities. It was so thoughtful, I hope we can read and look at ideas together. I am always excited to learn and talk about things together. As we sat on the couch, I opened it to....the very community we are living in....I laughed and almost cried too.

This Changes Everything

2010-11-23T11:39:00.004-07:00

The picture is from Sunday morning. If I remember correctly we were singing "I believe in Christ". We were preparing to go to church, knowing that Loren was going to become Bishop of our ward that day. My parents and my nephew are the extras in this picture.

It is hard to write the most careful and tender and sincere thoughts in this format that is exposed for not only family and friends to read, but anyone else, but something still needs to be written.

We have had an answer to our prayers about where we should be. We are in exactly the right place at this moment in time, and we can plan on a "while".

We have found that God has and does and will smooth our path, that he is aware of us, our needs, desires....he knows us. This changes everything! We can act with confidence and live and plan, knowing that God's hand is in our lives. There have been a hundred "coincidences" and the assurances of the Holy Ghost. Our home has already been blessed more abundantly by the Spirit.

We find in our study of scriptures and history and the words of the prophets that there is always more to learn, do, and become. Hopefully we can help others on their way.

This gospel goes on forever.

Cute baby,Birthday, Halloween, and. a place for us

2010-11-03T11:42:00.006-06:00

(since I had to explain my costume, I am Donna Quixote and yes I have a mini bundt pan on my head)

We have been considering what is the next step for our family. When Lor went home for his grandfather's funeral his daddy gave him a blessing in which he addressed the very issues we have been thinking about with the promise of knowing the answer in a specific way. We have fasted and prayed for months and...no answers yet . One evening right before falling asleep Lor said to me, "I am not getting any answers except for the thought to ask you where you want to go to school, where do you want to live the next 5-10 years?"

"What?!?!?! Do you mean we are going to settle down?!? We are not going to travel the world following your career?!?

He was asleep by then.

I was awake for a long time, since the decision was now up to me.

Research; house prices, job market, bilingual elementary schools for our children (or at least good elementary schools) and whoa, our daughter will be done with high school by the end of that 5-10 years! More research; tuition, admission requirements, distance to a temple, local congregations, family, and the question....would you really want to live there?

Three places come out on top University of Oregon-Portland, Ithaca- New York, and Salt Lake City....Utah

The night after I eliminated Ithaca, myDad sent me an e-mail (note: Dad rarely tells me his opinion or thoughts on anything, so receiving an e-mail from him was super exciting) saying that he didn't think 1.5 hours was too far to be from a temple and that it would be more than made up by being close to so many historical places....Ithaca is back on the list

More local research: houses, Community Supported Agriculture, cheap alternatives to the gym ie natural recreation...trails wahoo! How is that for planning? It is not too far from big cities, national church and family historical sites for Loren to explore, but far enough away that we might be able to see the stars at night, have a few chickens, be with nature...all because the University decided to be there. Oh, and the master's program was rated sixth for preparing architects for professional work. (Not that I am completely happy with the kind of architecturethat is turned out, but how can I change the world unless I have a few tools in my belt? How do I describe that gut wrenching feeling, I think the word used is yearning.

Lor wants to change the world too and in this plan I can't see where or what or how he will be working and earning money or how it works toward our family plans for our children's happiness, but I can't get the phrase out of my head...if you advance confidently in the direction of your dreams...you will meet with success unexpected in common hours...hmm just googled it Henry David Thoreau....fitting.

Last Thursday, Loren awoke me by saying, "Do you want to fly to New York on Friday with our whole family?"(the next evening)

He had found a great airfare and was heading that direction anyway for work the next week.

After pondering the question thoughtfully for a few minutes I said, "YES! lets do it."

Then after realizing the option for the low fare only had two seats, I spent the whole morning on an adrenaline rush tryingto find a way to get our family out to NY for not too much. We found some seats! Fifteen minutes later I texted him "hold, don't buy the tickets". Cost for the trip $2000, red eye flights with three children, then driving for hours on little sleep, then spending a week in an small town in Pennsylvania that just happens to be a crossroad/distribution center area with three children, and no assurance of time with daddy....and my son had developed a cough...it seemed too painful at the moment to outweigh the pleasure of the trip. I knew as soon as I said no, I would regret not going.

Even now when we have had 5-15 min/day to communicate with Loren before he has to work from his hotel for a couple more hours after a full day of work on the ground, even though I have been sick and kicked it with high doses of vitamins and minerals, even though my son has coughed every night, and my baby spent the majority of our Sunday hours crying because of sleep deprivation?...teeth?...sickness? I still wish we had taken the chance to see if Ithaca is the place for us. Would we have had the answer if we did?

Two Tone

2010-09-16T16:59:00.003-06:00

Last night I had the chance to go to the temple.

Since I still have a nursing baby at home I didn't want to stay too long so I participated in proxy sealings of children to parents. I was a daughter and the couple who represented the parents were golden brown and a color like the rich earth on the floor of a pine forest. It was beautiful to see the hands all together.

I have been thinking a lot about skin lately. We are in a neighborhood with so many different shades of earth/dust bound souls. How limiting and tedious is our description of one another. It is the definition of strangers that makes things into white/black/etc.

Even in our own family we are two tone if you look closely.

Everyone comments on how our two sons look alike, yet Lincoln has my skin and will probably freckle as he grows, and Joseph has Lor's golden tanning skin. That is only the outside of them. How much more will there be to find out and they become themselves.